Where Am I Going

on behalf of october 12, 2015

i've been really terrible at this.

like absolute crap.  a lot of things are starting to unravel, and i don't like it.  i feel like the distance is growing, and its killing me.  it makes me hurt.  i don't know what's happening in my life.  i feel like i'm losing track of everything that's happening.

i find that rather unacceptable.  i feel like everything is lost.  it's not necessarily that i have personally lost control because you are supposed to be the one in control all along anyways.  i think its more like i have tried to take too much control but i dont know what to do with it all and then things just end up being all over the place in chaos because i'm not allowing for you to do what you usually do and work the magic that is your glory.

be strong IN YOU and your great power.

alone, i am nothing, but with you i can be anything you want me to be.

i need to be better about this and pay attention.  i need to make progress in my relationship with you.  relationships without building wither.  i know i can always come back to you, but that's not what it's supposed to be like.  it's supposed to be continually blossoming and maybe there will be rough patches, but if i let go, then i just lose.  i lose everything and all the progress.  and that can't be it.

Forward

October 10, 2015

I keep my eyes always on the Lord . With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken.
Psalm 16:8 NIV
http://bible.com/111/psa.16.8.NIV

You are my strength and in you no obstacle is too great for me to overcome. I say that all the time, but it's a different question whether or not I truly believe it. I want to say that I do, but the reality may be that there's some skeptism the shadows my faith in practice. I know that I can always turn back to you, that I should always turn forward to you, actually. But when struggles come, where am o actually going? I want to say you, but I know that isn't as true as I would like to think.

So here's to you and facing forward. No one else really has any power over what will happen to me. You are the sole commander of the universe. The stars tremble in your presence and traverse the galaxies only at your beckoning.

Fruitful

On behalf of September 25, 2015

Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.
1 Corinthians 15:58 NIV
http://bible.com/111/1co.15.58.NIV

Own your faith.  Be firm and know exactly what you believe.  Learn how articulate the Lord's word to others and do so with care and love.  Do so cautiously.  Be true to the word but also to the spirit of christ.

And nothing for the lord will be useless.  He will make every little step count for something greater. Of that, have absolutely no fear.

He makes your single effort multiply and its certainly not in vain.  It pays off even if in ways that are unexpected.  Even in places unexpected. Keep that in mind when discouraged about the progress of the Lord's work where visible. We are limited in our scope but he sees all. There is much to be done. But we'll eventually climb to that point.

Shedding selfishness

on behalf of september 23, 2015

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.
Colossians 3:12 NIV
http://bible.com/111/col.3.12.NIV

I have a responsibility to myself.  I must be loving and kind and every good thing just as the land would be were he in this position. he loved so very intensely that there could hardly be doing as to his character of notices. No one is THAT good in the name of selfishness.

Clearly humility, gentleness and patience are my biggest flaws.... I didn't think of it before but even though I might have a decent amount of patience, especially with children, I'm not so sure about it elsewhere. The bigger things are the humility and gentleness.

Humility.... Every time I speak it sounds like I'm apparently in to show off. Boasting is certainly a weakness of mine. Not just that but I am ...prone to selfishness and a desire to center on myself.  For some absurd reason I like to talk about myself.  Most people don't care or will not let me. Most people just go on and on about themselves.... And that's my inclination but I try to ask about others. A lot of the times this means that I end up just listening. Which is valuable.  So what this means is that I.... Need to work on eliminating that feeling of frustration which artists from my saltfish desires and from being unable to fulfill that.

What about gentleness? I'm really not a manifestation of that.  I have so much to work on that note.  I've worked on appearance and nourishing my body well (physically).  I've worked on exercise, though I could certainly do more even.  But that's just the beginning.  The next thing is personality and gentleness of the soul.  That is meekness and a heart for serving.  Thats my next step.  Moving to be like you.  Moving to care less about what people think of me and what they know about me. 

Only you matter. Nothing is for my glory, but your glory.  And that will be how I lose myself to save my soul for you.

Recentering

On behalf of September 26, 2015

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
1 Corinthians 13:4-5 NIV
http://bible.com/111/1co.13.4-5.NIV

Your love is perfection. True love modeled after yours is all we ever need. 

It goes back in circles to the traits that matter most.  Do not boast or be proud.  Every man and woman is in their own course according to the plans of the Lord above.  I accomplished none of the things another might credit to me, instead, they are the Lord's achievements and doing.

Self seeking.  that's another big thing.  remember that everything is for you and not me.  Not my glory but yours.  Recentering myself on that is a big part of what being a disciple is all about.

Into This

On behalf of September 24, 2015

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
Psalm 139:13-14 NIV
http://bible.com/111/psa.139.13-14.NIV

You know everything about me.  You created me.  You knew me before I was me.  You knew me before the thought had occurred to possibly lead to my conception.

Out of nothing I became this.  And I have substance, a heart and a soul.  I have my soul and you give me the whole world to shape in your name and to carry out service in your name.

Submission in Hope and Prayer

On behalf of September 27, 2015

I urge, then, first of all, that petitions, prayers, intercession and thanksgiving be made for all people— for kings and all those in authority, that we may live peaceful and quiet lives in all godliness and holiness.
1 Timothy 2:1-2 NIV
http://bible.com/111/1ti.2.1-2.NIV

They come from the lord, the authorities do.  In submission to them, may we live and pray.

It seems like a more removed subject and I imagine the president or governor being established.  But it goes beyond that.  (On the note of governor, I suppose that means Doug ducey was placed here for some reason, and all we can do is pray for him because he is seriously an incompetent leader and seems hell-bent on driving Arizonan higher education into the ground. I pray now that you would be with him Lord and help to direct his decisions.  I know he claims to be yours but sometimes I'm not so sure and so I just ask that you would help guide him.)

But what's beyond that?

School figures and instructors and parental units and all the rigid/sometimes less rigid forms of bureaucratic institutions that are possible.  And I'm to pray for all of them.  You work through each of them.

I just hope that some way or another people will be able to see that work sooner than later.  But in the meantime I understand my responsibility better now.  Now may I go out and live it out.

A Long Way

on behalf of october 3, 2015

if i love You, you will make your home with me and your spirit lives in me.  i can always be sure of that.  and last night (october 8), i realized that ive made it a long long way.  i'm not there yet.  not by any means.

but the thing is that i'm progressing.  i blinked and i'm progressing.  it took a while.  i dont really think that i DID anything  i only really let time pass.  i dont know if you wanted me to go to phoenix last week.  i don't know how it would have happened ideally.  but i do know that i've finally found my way to you.  closer to you anyhow.

he doesn't pull my heart strings anymore.  i might feel a little, but it doesn't really affect me.  i might think about it, but only very occasionally.  i'm speeding ahead like there's no tomorrow towards something better.  towards you.  you fulfill me.  and all i need to to catch up with you everyday.  i want it to be so ingrained in my life that i thirst and experience withdrawals for you.

fill my life and make me whole.  i can see light.

Enough

october 6, 2015

this is absolutely everything i want.

regardless of what people say about You, i want to always love you and pursue you
i want to want more.
it's not enough for me
it'll never be enough for me
but for you, you love me such that it is enough.

and that just makes me want to want ever more.

so i can absorb all the love and understand even just a fraction more.

show me everything.  i want you to be my whole world like nothing and no one else can be.

Your Words

on behalf of october 4, 2015

your words give us life that's never-ending.  your word gives us love that never fails.  everything else will fade away but one thing remains, all your words.

You are eternal and everything about you is permanent.  in their hearts, men plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps.  psalm 16:9

what does this mean for me?  you are forever, and i have nothing to fear.  you will always take care of me and my future.  and you will use me for your own glory.

as for me, knowing that your words will never pass away, i must live more like it.  every word is revolutionary and bright.  knowing that should infinitely shape the way i live and carry out my life.  in everything, i need to show you.  how can i really do that better?  perhaps by generosity.  and spreading the Good News.  and.... well, dialoguing with you and having that posture of prayer all the time.

love is wanting to be with you always and missing you when i'm not.  love is wanting to know more about you and what you're thinking of me.  love is that feeling of a hole if youre not there.  but youre always there, and i dont feel that hole.  i think its misleading because love is often to be chased after. but you want to be loved.  and to love us.  so we dont have to aimlessly chase.  we have to go after your heart in the sense of work.  that's a difference. so long as we work for you, you will be there and we will get to know you better.

so bring me to want you ever more.  i chase, but i should pursue you with much greater fervor.  may the flame in my heart burn brighter.

Unwarping

october 5, 2015

as i learn to follow your upright and holy ways, i should hope that i am able to be a light to others.  your laws are righteous and good. give me a chance to follow and take what i am and make it infinitely better.  may my explanations of your letter and law be glorious and accurate.  far too many people think christians are just plain stupid because they have a warped perception of what you are and who you are.  but as a disciple, part of my job is to be the real thing.  help me to get there.

More Like You

on behalf of september 23, 2015

I have a responsibility to myself.  I must be loving and kind and every good thing just as the land would be were he in this position. he loved so very intensely that there could hardly be doing as to his character of notices. No one is THAT good in the name of selfishness.

Clearly humility, gentleness and patience are my biggest flaws.... I didn't think of it before but even though I might have a decent amount of patience, especially with children, I'm not so sure about it elsewhere. The bigger things are the humility and gentleness.

Humility.... Every time I speak it sounds like I'm apparently extremely arrogant.  out to show off.  maybe it comes off that way.  but that's a terrible way to leave things.  as your child, changing that is huge.  its a big deal.

not just that, but the gentleness?  gentleness of the soul.  yup, another thing.  may you just work in me and bring out your character from the inside of you in through me.  and the back out into the world where you really want to make it shine.  the kind of gentleness that people are completely shocked by.

and a patience that no one knew existed.  these are all things from you.   things that should be for you.  done for you.  because if you live in me, then its possible.

My Compass and Shepherd

September 22, 2015

Accept corrections humbly and be counted as more wise for it.  Proverbs 16:9 

In their hearts, men plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps.  His will and design is above all else and it will be fulfilled whether we go with it and flow or if we resist it and cause ourselves strife as a result of it.

I think that means I should also be open to asking for advice and allowing others to shape me, so long as their shaping also goes along the same lines as what you have set.  You are my compass and shepherd.  I follow you.  But sometimes you speak through those around me and work through them to reach me.  To this, I think I need to be more open and realize it more.

In everything, I hope to have a posture of prayer and a peaceful mind and heart, ready to hear and receive you.

I just want to know you better, know you better now.

on behalf of september 21, 2015

He is the Mighty Warrior who can conquer any obstacle and bring you from the depths of any pit.  He will certainly not punish me into eternity, but will shower me with his love and affection.  I can see that already.  I've hardly done a thing, and yet in the lab, I can already see affection.  From the one who's been there from the beginning, and from the one who's just come.  And too from others.  am.lm.pc.mk.rk.  I'm so blessed to have so many people who are around and there and have some degree of emotional investment in me.  I can only thank you for this beautiful gift.  People who actually care.  There aren't so many of those in the world, I don't think.  And in this way, I can see it clearly.  It is in this way that you are singing and rejoicing over me.  And out of respect for that, I have an obligation and heart for serving you better.  I just want to know you better now.  I just want to be a brighter light for you.

Awaken

On behalf of September 18, 2015

Do not be salty in recognition of the discipline that you have received because it is only out of love that the Lord rebukes or chastises you for what has happened.  He has given you real lessons though they might sting.  This is the way to truly awake from your complacency and reinvigorate your life.  This is how you grow and learn to be more Christ-like.  And now that you know, child, go and be salt and light.  go forth and make fishers of men.

This is because he loves you.  Because of this, you can have a chance in the future.  Anything else would be a disservice to you.  You would falter when it matters infinitely more.  But this is setting you up to learn while the stakes are low and to prepare you.  Always preparing you for the next step.  For the revealing of his glory in an infinitely greater and more glorious way.

Prayer Life

September 20, 2015

You know our struggles more than anyone else and even though it might seem to us as though there's no way you could have experienced this you get it.  You were tempted by all the opportunities before you in your time.

And yet you were perfection.

How could I even get there? Prayer.  This is magical.  You give us the words to say and not even just that, but this is how move.  This is how we can break down the walls of prayer that hold us back.  Ask him what to pray for and he will tell us.  Pray constantly and pray at a whim.  That is the answer to anything.  Pray before going to any other solution or problem solving mechanism.  He's the first to have the answer and He's the only one who can truly move mountains.

You get it.  And you want me to pray to you.  Pray continually. Not literally but have a continuous posture of prayer.  Be mindful of Christ and worship him in your hearts.  Have a peace in your heart at all times as though in prayer and that is the kind of posture needed.  And then, you will be able to achieve the confidence in faith that's so desirable.  Change the way you approach him and open the horizons of your conversations and prayers and dialogues with God.

Ultimate Redeemer

September 19, 2015

So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded.  You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.

Hebrews 10:35-36 NIV

I'm faltering right now not going to lie but that ochem failure is a pretty serious blow to my pride. On the plus side though I have realized that I'm capable of moving post that and focusing on the future and possibilities I have for redemption. I failed in that I freaked and got skittish and list the emotions get to me without turning to you, my ultimate redeemer. I thought for some reason that I needed to go out alone. That is so false and the result was less than satisfying to be sure.

By confidence. I have that in your ability to save me. You take me out of the darkness and the light will shine brightly for eternity.  Reward is honestly just s bonus. Surviving is the tough part and anything else is like sprinkles on top or something.

Keep going and you will receive your portion.  The lord is always for you, never against you.  Take heart in the Lord your God, child.  He is in control.

Wisdom According to My Knowledge

september 17, 2015

first and foremost this reminds me of the ticket.  it was your way of letting me know that i was wrong for what i thought about how to handle rules.  it was your way of saying no.  your way of saying there is something for me to change.  you love and delight in me but i must learn your ways better still and so all of this is for my good.  i can do this.  with you i can do this.  you make it possible to do this.  all i can do is pray fervently and release myself.  by the end of the day i will know my fate.  don't check d2l until you get home tomorrow.  you don't want the drive home to be a bad one.  it would be better to know at the end and to have a phone to fix it.  or to celebrate it.

i have a knowledge base, lord.  i pay attention in class.  in this class.  i trust you and put my faith in myself and that i can write and answer according to what i know.  may the knowledge i have flow directly into answering each question according to my skillset.  may it be fair to me.

and that is the best that i can ask for.

How

on behalf of september 16, 2015

I don't always know what I'm doing, but when I don't, You take over for me and make things right.  Even before I had fully realized that i needed it you took me along in that direction.  I wasn't worrying on the outside about ochem but on the inside my heart knew it was important and drove me to work.  It pressured me to study.  For the next unit I need to seriously get it together sooner so i don't drive myself insane.  Procrastination on this is DEFINITELY not the best option.  don't do it.  at this point, i think i've looked at it to the maximum point of informational infiltration.  the rest is up to your blessing or choice for otherwise.  i'm learning about how to do this little by little.

White

september 15, 2015

What does that mean if Christ lived for me, the most unworthy, and loved me enough to sacrifice comfort for death.  because through his death and then revival, i am here and loved and cloaked in white light even though there is blackness that was at the core.  you make me beautiful on the inside and out.  you change my world. you are the reason that i can have hope.

RUN 2015 and INIFINITE

on behalf of september 12, 2015

don't brag.  it's not about you.  it's about him.  God makes all things beautiful.  and so don't brag.  if you're going to say anything of that nature, praise God for the good blessings.  Thank God for his love.  Don't even thank him for blessing you specifically,  it'll probably be seen as arrogance.  In every way strive for humility.  He is perfect in every way and the one who runs everything behind the scenes.  Without God, I am nothing.  I fall flat.  And so, I depend on him completely.  And he is the one who deserves all credit.

Things I know

on behalf of september 13, 2015

Surely I am going to look back on this day and think it was silly to fret.  But right now, I am angry and frustrated and indignant against the wrong done to me by science labs.  I want to curse them for making me actually try.  Pure knowledge should show, but instead I find myself jumping through sh*tty hoops to please a sh*tty TA who's grading is not standardized against any other TA's.

I'm livid.

But you are my salvation.  I must apparently learn this skill of rule following and people pleasing to a T.  Dot every I.  Cross every T.

I'm angry, but I should take this as a lesson from you.  You're bestowing critical life skills upon me.  Something like that.  You'll make this beautiful. You always do.  Somehow I will not be lost and thrown into the deep end completely.  I never am.  You always catch me.  And there's always light at the end of the tunnel.

Shouting Actions

september 14, 2015

I proclaim your name proudly.  It doesn't matter how awkward, pray first.  I'm getting better at this.  Mostly where there are people.  But prayer is also for me.  Throughout the day, especially when I'm eating lunch, I ought to embrace you and take the time to praise your name for the new day that I have before me and the opportunities with which you're blessing me.

First Jew, then Gentile.  I am the later, but you still gave me a chance.  You're not ashamed of me, and so neither do I shy at mentioning or acting.  Beyond saying, acting shouts your glory.  So always do, even if it is not yet time to speak.

be strong, child.

september 11, 2015

i feel like ive been poisoned.  i'm tainted and no longer clean for you.  pleasure is one thing, but the heart and such matters are much different.  those are the only things that matter.

i lost part of myself today.  i lost sight of you and let darkness cloud my judgment.  i failed you and despite your strength i was weak.  i was too feeble of faith to resist.  i was wrong.  the only thing now is that i have to actually be strong.  i can't go back to that.  i must love you wholly and completely.  with you i dont need anything or anyone else.  be strong, child.  youre bigger and better and more powerful than anything.  temptation withers at your feet.  i can live for you and wash clean.  this is possible.

You Only

on behalf of september 10, 2015

its true.  i really only need you.  i know proof of that now.

Own It in Faith

on behalf of september 9, 2015

One of the most significant things I can do is be genuine and move my entire person towards the goals outlined.  If I really want to prepare my heart, I must not only think it internally, but even as circumstances around me change and people ask questions or other occasions pop up, I must be strong in you.  I am whole because I am in you.  And in faith, that will grow and be the truth.  Because it is.  Even when my heart tries to somehow deny it.  Love yourself because the Lord loves you too.  Honor the promise you're making.  Not only to yourself, but to the Lord Your God.  Own it.

Apart there is no future

september 8, 2015
(swapped verses between sept 7 and sept 8)

He has never given up on me and is a source of constant love even in times when everyone else, me included, falters ridiculously.  He loves with a kind heart and is both gracious and merciful.  I dont deserve you.  The best I can do is to give my all now.  Every time I turn around I feel like I'm being distracted from you.  From a straight path to you.  You're my first and for now I must learn to love ever more fervently because that's the only way to the future.  Apart from you there is no future.

Delivered from the Cycle

september 7, 2015

you would deliver me from evil and in loving you I hate evil and you shield me from it.

you bring me joy and fill my world with light even when it seems so dark.

the darkness that I've seen, it's been but a glimpse, but even so, I know your power because through the small things, great power is revealed. it's a testament to what is to come.  you will always be there for me and there is nothing that is insurmountable.

somehow I believe that there is an end to this cycle and I will learn well to prepare my heart for You and for whoever is to come.

Hype

on behalf of september 6, 2015

You will fill my heart and I will be joyous, filled with your spirit and thrilled to be doing your work.  Thank you for the love in my heart that comes from you and which you make beautiful in your own time.  I love my family and the bonds of the family have been stronger than ever before.  I was skeptical and thought that would never be my home, but now that I'm away from it, I love it so much and come back to see it.  You blow my mind, and I'm so excited to see what is to come in this next year.  So--much--hype.

Beyond Injury

september 5, 2015

don't be vengeful against others in this lifetime.  it is not their fault.  in all honesty, they likely know not what they do.  it's not them.  there is something else at work.  but i know you and i can be helped beyond the injury that they've caused me.  so i should allow myself to be beyond it because i can.  i should live for you fully and without restraint.  i am yours.

A Burdened Heart

september 4, 2015

i want to kneel before you and forget everything else.  i dont want anything else to burden my heart.  i want my heart to be light as a feather, chasing only you.  but every time i fight it, and i try not to let my thoughts wander.  and every time it works out less than perfectly.  and then i can't help my repeat the same thoughts, over and over.  they plague me like death.  i can't make them leave, yet i can't make the situation any better.  everyone says the same thing--that i should just try and maybe things will work out.  but at my core, when i attempt to make sense of it all, i tell myself you would say no.  i tell myself i think you're in the process of telling me no, not yet.  so i bow before you now, again, asking.

i don't expect to hear an answer.  but i yearn for one all the same.

take me to your heart.

To Know You

september 3, 2015

My heart i give to you.  Make me and shape me as you will.  That is what I need now more than anything.  To be closer to you and know you better.

Hold Out Your Heart

on behalf of sept 2, 2015

you're coming.  you're coming to bring your glory to all the earth and i shall not fear for my own future or for the future of the world in that way.  take comfort in the salvation that you will certainly bring.  i thought i knew how to wait patiently before.  the meaning of waiting had not even begun to fall on me though.  that was absolutely nothing.  this takes... this requires a degree of unprecedented discipline.  child, be still and hold your heart out for him.  let the Lord carry it for now.  let him take care of you and bless you and grow you in him.  let him show you who you are and how to love him and love yourself.  let him prepare your heart for himself and for another.  may the preparation be glorious.  and in that preparation, may he be exalted.

Makes Me Perfect

september 1, 2015

without holiness from the lord, no one can be near to him and draw close.  that's the best thing ever.  that real and tangible relationship with him.  he makes me perfect.  in him, everything is ok.  in that i take heart, and i have an obligation to make every move glorious to him.

Your Vessel, Inexplicably Loved

august 31, 2015

I fear nothing because you love me and keep me on track.  I adore you and seek you wholeheartedly.  My soul goes out to you.  If only I could be better for you.  You make me happy beyond measure, and you bless me even when I don't deserve it.  There is absolutely no explanation for the degree of attention which you give me except for that inexplicable love.  Your path is straight and I hope that I can follow it closely.  I want to be that young woman after your heart and love you so dearly.  I want to shine for you and I want everything about me to resonate with your glow.  Make me evermore yours and your vessel.

On His Shoulders

august 30, 2015

Cast your cares on the Him.  He is always there for me.

Even when I thought there was no one, at least he is there.

Even when I feel absolutely alone, I can take heart in his company.

The Lord lends me his strength.  On his shoulders, I stand.

The Dark and Twisty Side of Me

on behalf of august 29, 2015

God, you live here and you make me stronger.  There is nothing that can draw me all the way from you.  You are the one who makes it possible for me to smile and continue on.  You make me beautiful even though I am dark and twisted at heart.  You see right through me, and yet you love me.  You see the imperfections and the horrors.  The lies, the things I would do because of sin and evil.  But you love me.

And it breaks me to know I am dark and twisty.  Because you live in me.  And so I, in my daily struggle, must push out the dark and twisty side.  I must choose the light-hearted and righteous.  I must desire you wholeheartedly.  I must reject any tainted thing that threatens to disturb the peace you provide.  I must learn how to and when to say no, because it doesn't glorify you.  I must choose to cloak myself in your goodness and wear it proudly like a brilliant medal.  I must profess you in everything and then this place in which I live--and then it must be less dark and less twisty.

Quiet Your Soul and Center Yourself

on behalf of august 28, 2015

i have so many things wrong with me and my focus is like completely in the wrong place right now.,  my head is spinning and the year is just beginning, but i really need to center on you.  that's the only way to return to a state of relative homeostasis in terms of my relationship with you.  my safe place.  when i call to you because of my brokenness, will you please come?  have mercy on my straying and wandering heart and draw me in?  may the distractions subside and may i be able to simply let it be.  you will provide for me and it's not my job, nor my place, to interfere with every good thing and perfect design.  if i am patient, i will understand in the future.

Let it Sizzle Out

august 27, 2015

go for honesty and instill trust in those around you.  life will be more peaceful if you can do that and build a strong foundation among the people around you.

you really do need to stop talking about people.  it doesn't matter anymore how they're offended you, just move on from it.  that's how you get the trust of everyone around you.  by being good in that way and do not just spread gossip like wildfire.  there will no peace so long as you continue to feed the fire.  eventually, it will sizzle out and everything will be good.  so let it sizzle.  don't just fan the flame on and make more chaos in your life.

peace.  that will definitely be better.  for everything in the ambience.

Faithful

august 26, 2015

the Lord is always with me.  Day or night he's by my side watching and caring for me.  No matter what I'm guarded and protected.  I'm loved.  I don't need anyone or thing for validation.  you are my father in heaven who brings me wonderful blessings.

the devil doesn't stand a chance against you.  i'm all for you and i just pray that everyday you move my heart towards you and that i can just pursue you more and more everyday.  even when i'm promiscuous and stray away in my faith, you draw me back.  You want me to come back and when i do, you embrace me.  Before anyone else, i should always put you and turn to you first.

Grace in the Face of Inadequacy

august 25, 2015

gracious words are sweet and healing.  what does that actually mean?  grace is our receipt of that which is undeserved.  in translation, when we give words that are undeserved, perhaps they work unexpected miracles.  i could certainly be more gracious in how i deal with the crazy cat lady and the professor who tries too hard to get on the students' level and only ends up coming off as a inadequately prepared.

so much saltiness.  *breathe in, breathe out*  release the negativity *

i don't think that actually helps, but if i change my mindset to being more constructive and less... of the sassy critical that i mostly dislike so much (and so hypocritically too) in others-- that would be a good thing.

Because you gave me grace and kindness when I didn't deserve it.  While I didn't deserve it.  I'll never be good enough and measure up enough to deserve it.  And still you love me and shower me with care and attention.  I could do at least a fraction of that and give it back to the world.

Release and Giving In.

august 24, 2015

Lord, I don't think that I've been easily provoked to anger of late, but I know that for sure in the past that was a large block to my relationship with you.  As I move into this next school year, I would just pray that you be with me in holding back and in spending my time productively and for your glory.  Time management.  I have no idea how I'm going to do it this year, and it's only the second day of school.  Somehow, I need to get rid of these things that are killing my sleep so early on.  I need to balance lab work with my own sanity and school work.  You're the only one who can help me.

Or maybe this is about the cat.  I didn't want the cat.  The idea just irked me all around.  But the more I think about it now, the sillier it gets.  The cat doesn't really bother anyone.  She's there, but not really there, and to be honest, neither am I there.  There comes a time when it's just better to give in.  You've blessed me with so much in my life that if now I need to give in a little, it's not a big deal.  Just do it.  Knowing when to give in is part of living.

Convicted

august 23, 2015

The humble, those he crowns in victory.   I should hope to be one of those.  One of those which you can smile upon at the end of the day and crown lovingly.  It's not me, but it's me plus YOU.  with a big emphasis on the you.  There's no way that I can do this alone.  With you though, I think there's a chance.  Thank you for everything.  For making me realize what's wrong.  You've convicted me, and now I can only respond by depending on you more and loving you more.  This is my future, in you only.  May you continue to convict me of my faults and draw me closer to you and your truth and your image.  May I be increasingly  more like you.

When There's No Maybe. Just Stop.

on behalf of august 22, 2015

I was wrong.  I've been causing more trouble than I like to admit.  In the span of the last few months, I've been basically the absolutely worst about keeping secrets secret.  This is a direct reprimand of what I've done.... The thing is, in the future, that can't be me anymore. It's bad to be known as the one who tells everything and spills the secrets.  It's not good form.  It's not Godly.  It doesn't build trust among people.  It kills friendships, breaks those scaffolds--even the strong ones.  There's no maybe on this one.  There's only stopping this nonsense on your own behalf, kid.

Scaffolding Me to Mom

on behalf of august 21, 2015

This message couldn't be clearer, I don't think.  When I try to take the reins in my own life, the results will never be as I hope.  The devil comes in an destroys that which we wish to protect most and hold dear.  But giving it back to the Lord, you're the only one who has any real control, and you remedy the bonds we cherish most dearly.  I'm thankful for my growth and love with mom.  A few months ago, I could never have imagined that the relationship would have improved as much as it has.  I would have thought this impossible, but for you, nothing is impossible.  For you, this was the blink of an eye in which we learned to live and love each other.  The laughs and smiles, I love them.  It would devastate me for it to all break and fall away.  But the thing is, you see, that I saw it break.  For a split second, it seemed like everything was gone.  And then I realized that I didn't make any of it happen.  I didn't do anything.  It was all hanging on a thread you'd spun for us.  You gifted it to us.  But now we had to continue strengthening the scaffold you gave us.  That's not to say that you disappeared from the picture.  Rather, that is to say that you would now take a lead role as the director of this relationship building project while we added the necessary reinforcements.  We will only learn if we try and do it.  But when things fail, you're still there to catch us so long as we know and recognize that you're there.  So long as we let you catch us and then replace us on the scaffold, to continue building until there is some undefined point of completion.  We don't know what the final product looks like exactly, but for that too we must trust you and humble ourselves to your artistic liberties and vision.  We don't have to know.  We just have to lay our pride down and follow.

What Bears the Greatest Fruit

on behalf of august 20, 2015

in my own pride i think that i assumed too much of what my future might look like.  i think i assumed about what was in your plans and in the end that meant that i would not only be disappointed, but i opened a lot of doors to my own pain and hurt.  in yielding to you without wavering though, in opening myself to your complete control and takeover of my life and designs for my future, the humility that makes me realize you know what's best, it bears fruit like no other choice.  its wisdom is that you will lead the way in my life and bring forth the best possible outcomes.  the only thing i need to do is yield my pride to your grace and glory.

Meekness

august 19, 2015

lower yourself, child.  you're not that big a deal.  you're just a kid.  you have dreams, but so do a lot of other people.  rather, if you humble yourself and are meek, the lord will be with you and smile on you for that.  he will bless you and bring you up.  and the key is to be meek and serve others regardless of fickle emotions and feelings.  trust the lord.

may you guide me in my every move.  may i grow to be more like you.  may i bow to you and allow you to lead me.  allow you to shepherd me.  allow you to shape me into the Godly young woman that you hope is my future.

Humble Yourself

on behalf of august 18, 2015

a fool doesn't take advice from anyone.  a fool thinks he can do it all alone.  a fool doesn't realize that you have every best way outlined for us and someone knows the answer so long as we would ask.  a fool doesn't seek you.  a fool is looking in all the wrong places.
on the other hand, the lord is the beginning of all knowledge.  you, God, are the source of everything i could possibly need to know, or hope for.  You know me and my future.  You know what's best for me, and I hope that i run in precisely that direction.  You are the one who saved me from things i had no clue about.  you are all powerful, and if you wanted the mountains to move, they would move.  if you wanted for the next coming to come all you would need to do is make it happen with you thoughts.  without your thoughts even.  before you move your finger or open your mouth to command the world to stop.  it doesn't matter because you are the lord and king of it all and you are my holy Father.  you are the only one who can truly lend to my "best" direction as i press on this path.

thank you for giving me a second chance and showing me that first impressions aren't always real.  thank you for reminding me that other people are cool and not necessarily snooty.  thank you for showing me that i was wrong.  thank you for humbling me.  thank you for an incredible past three/four weeks.  thank you for teaching me about people.  thank you for teaching me how to handle people when they're too much to handle.  thank you for the grace and mercy you show me everyday.

Teach Me

august 17, 2015

under God's watch I take heart and have hope for the future.  i still don't know what's up, but i'm working towards something.  first and foremost, i have the Lord's will to work towards.  i have the ways of the heart as he guides me.  i must take care not to be led astray by tempting sins that tangle.  lord, i so want to give this into your hands. i'm crying out to you because there is something that i want.  something i want pretty badly.  and i have no real way of getting it or knowing even if i'm headed in the right direction.  in terms of career development, i feel like it can be pretty straight forward.... this though.  real people?  i can't read or figure it out fast enough and you are the only compass i have.  therefore, i lay my pride at your feet and call out for your wisdom and direction.

When I Don't Know

on behalf of august 16, 2015

may God be my shepherd day in and day out.  i don't know what i'm doing in life and it's scary.  i could be hoping for things that are far away and will never happen.  i could be throwing my heart into the wind.  i could be dooming myself to a future of unreasonable sadness and pain.  but as long as i walk according to your laws and pursue you wholeheartedly...maybe that wont quite be the case.  i mean, i know you will always protect me. from the most extreme of dangers i am guarded.  and if i fall down some dark path of despair, i know i can turn around and you will be right there as you have been all along.  you will be there and you will wonder why i didn't turn around sooner but be glad that i did.  you delight in me especially as i pursue your heart.  you delight in me especially as i read your word and attempt to draw near to you.
i don't know what's going to happen but it's ok.
i'm glad to be yours.  i'm glad that today's experiments blew him out of the water.  there's a lot of opportunity out there.  regardless of the bumps and bruises along the way.  i'm make it through.  with you, i'll make it through.

God First.

august 15, 2015

The Lord comes first.  first and foremost before anyone or anything else.  If I can keep that in mind always, then I have a shot.  When the Lord is put first, he then puts his children first and reveals to them glory in the world that they'd never imagined possible.  For the glory he might unleash and cultivate on this earth before his coming and finally the establishment of his new kingdom, everything is worth it.   I only hope that I can be half good enough.  I will never make it, but I can move in the Lord's direction and I think that matters all the more.

Today I'm thankful for my family.  The good times.  The laughter.  Maybe we can make the fighting go away.  With God, anything is possible.  I'm thankful for the lightness in my heart, the giggles flowing freely from my soul, the silly gloriousness of it all.

People.

august 14, 2015

from God we who follow his ways will receive a reward.  a heavenly gift that is better than anything imaginable.  i wouldn't be able to imagine myself here where i am today.  five years ago, i would have had no clue.  and in the same way, i have no clue what's in store even five years from now.  i have aspirations, to be sure.  but in professional realms.  five years from now.  i'll be 24.  that's insane.  there are things that i think of and that i want.  but i don't know how to get there or what i'm responsible for making happen or what quite is the opportunity that you have set before me.

there is something on my mind.  and now, all i can do is pray to you about it.  and to thank you every day for the things that you have given me.  this would be as glorious of a platform as any for doing that.  you make my life bright and you bring me out of my miseries.  you bring joy when i didn't think there was any to be had.

the retreat was blessed.  today, i felt no pain from the headache that hounded me wednesday night.  today, i got his phone number.  today, i contemplated what i wanted to do next.  today, i am surrendering myself to you again.  today, i certainly pray for a miracle if that is your will.

as i sit here thinking right now. i realize this.  i haven't put that part of my life into your hands.  i really haven't prayed as i should.  i have been counting on myself to make things happen.  i haven't unloaded to you and allowed you to work freely and fully in my life's personal relationships.  but now i'm letting go.  i don't know what that actually means in terms of what i end up doing or leaving up to you and your glory.  but i do know that means fretting about it in a different way and not asking merely friends for advice.  it means this:  coming running to you because i have no idea what i'm doing or how this really works when disciples want it to bring you glory.  so i lay this all down at your feet and cry out to you.

people.

when you have things, professional things--its great, but that's not all.  people.  that's what is missing

Yours

august 13, 2015

in everything walk according to the path of the lord.  do what is good, what is righteous, what is upright, and what you know pleases the lord your god.  may every movement been a praise to the lord and sing sweetly.  may every word be vibrant and fragrant.  i don't want anything i do to be a turn away from you.  regardless of the fairly visceral feelings i have, the tendencies, the desires, may you just continue to be my drive and propel me in your direction, not the one i have selfishly set for myself. we go on your time, not mine.

Just You Wait and See

on behalf of august 12, 2015

we can keep his commands and be as he was and live a life straight up like christ.  that's what we should be doing.  the thing is that the lord's love is with his children and those who revere and respect him.  the bigger question now though for me is where that love goes after the fact.  what about love in the world on earth.  my heart breaks for waiting and it saddens me, to be honest.  but he has a plan for you.  just you wait and see.

Significant Strides for Good and God

on behalf of august 11, 2015

who is going to harm you if you are eager to do good.  that speaks to friendships and professional relationships, i think.  it also speaks to the goals and role i hope to play in controlling the future of my own life moving forward.  i would like very much to focus on personal relationships more and to build the friendships that i may have been neglecting horribly for the past year in lieu of professional and career oriented gains which may or may not have been as effective as  i previously hoped.  if i am eager to do good and share the word and to follow my heart as you have placed on my mind and heart though, perhaps there is hope for the fulfillment of such as ambition.  maybe i can actually do the good and work.  maybe i can make significant strides in this area which i sometimes feel so vastly incompetent.

Eliminating Saltiness

on behalf of august 10, 2015

be loving towards each other just as God is towards us.  in the context of the last three days, some of the most incredible days of my life, i would just like to think about the bitterness i have towards the comments on the retreat.  the things that were criticized and the possibility that the retreat talent show may be censored in the future.  that.... breaks my heart and regardless in my participation or not in more vulgar and possibly disconcerting activities,  i ought to pass it off and keep an open mind for the future and what role our director may play.  i can't say that i will be reaching out to her immediately when i have questions.  i think others who have been in the program's leadership longer may merit the receipt of those questions.  but at least i can try not to remain salty.  it's not her fault.  we were crazy and possibly out of control.  and that's besides the point of what i would like to take home from the retreat.