Little Things

4-28-2015

whoever trusts in the Lord has absolutely nothing to be afraid of.  God is bigger than anything we will ever face.  any problem.  any uncertainty.

i will trust in the lord.

i will be motivated by his love for me and protection and i can do anything with God on my side.

basically.

WORD.

Freedom by God

4-27-2015

God is the holy spirit and the spirit of God gives freedom.  i can be freed from chain through him.  that is what i plan to continue in.

this is incredibly vague..... my brain is much too tired to process that.  but what's up now?

i can be better for him and through him.  that much is true.

today i can't T-T

Who is Jesus?

4-26-2015

i can plan and consider things all day long but God's will and design ultimately determines my course.  this means a lot of different things.  it means i shouldn't worry.  it means that God is in control.  it means that everything's going to be ok.  that's how it usually is for me.  it doesn't make life very much easier to deal with but it does mean that i can continue on, i suppose.

proverbs 16:9. in their hearts, men plan their course, but the lord establishes their steps.

one key thing that came up today though, no one can say that jesus was a good moral teacher because he claimed to be the son of God.  anyone who says that is either telling the truth, or is crazy.  a crazy man certainly can't be a good moral teacher.  christ did more.  who is jesus?  there is really only one answer to that question.

Commission in Meekness

4-25-2015
Ephesians 3:8 NIV

Although I am less than the least of all the Lord’s people, this grace was given me: to preach to the Gentiles the boundless riches of Christ,

The first thing is humility. The second thing is spreading the gospel and good news of God in everything we do and all the time. Both are our obligations for living by the word of God.

This means I'm the least of all. I'm not going to judge other's "righteousness". I'm just me in my sins and shortcoming. Worse than the worst and hence brought to my knees.

Grace is what you might receive yet not deserve. I don't deserve any of this happiness. It's more than I should have ever hoped for given my sin. But still blessed with open doors and privilege beyond the imagination.

I've been blessed. Despite my sin I have a commission. Pauls was in spreading the word to the gentiles. Mine is in doing so to all nations but.... Perceptibly through medicine. The language of healing can no doubt speak to others in powerful ways otherwise unspeakable. So fulfill this calling,  I shall. And with meekness I ought to go about it. Because none of the glory or power belongs to me. Its yours. All yours.

Revived by the Truth

4-24-2015
EPH 3:10 NIV

His intent was that now, through the church, the manifold wisdom of God should be made known to the rulers and authorities in the heavenly realms,

I'm part of the church.part of the body.I should be and am instrument of the Lord in revealing that intention and glory. As such get up out of tie misery, child, and realize the truth around you. Let not lies destroy you and make you any less than loved. This is the truth and may the truth set you free.

Why Settle for a Cheap Substitute of the Real Thing

4-24-2015
ACT 2:21 NIV

And everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.

I need you. If I call on you for help, I might be saved from the depths of my own depravity and weakness. My inability to save myself from this clear enemy of near selfloathing. Its a twisted condition in which I don't hate myself but cant love myself.

I know true love and yet I stupidly long for some cheap substitute. It's ridiculous. And yet it's a pervasive reality.

But I believe that recognizing the reality is the first step to resolving it.  If I can see it, then next I should be able to chip away. Fight it with your word and the truth.

My Own Counsel

4-23-2015
ROM 15:4 NIV

For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through the endurance taught in the Scriptures and the encouragement they provide we might have hope.

I know everything. I recognize the joy that should fill my life so completely. But I don't feel it. Its like I've been sucked dry of the will , motivation, and sheer elation and passion for life that used to fill me. I used to be excited for almost everything. Because I was going to go out into the world and make something of what you'd given me. I was going to make you proud and glorify your name.

Today I can still do that. Moving in the right direction for it. But its not the same. The vibrance is gone. I want it back. Lord, would you slay the grasp of death and destruction upon me? I want every moment to sing for you and the beautiful life you've given me.

I used to live out perseverance and encouraged hope. Or rather, I didnt need encouragement. I was my own encouragement. That's how it felt. I knew what I needed to tell myself and I could hope through my own counsel. In that kind of stremgth I took pride.

Is that what you mean to teach me? That I need more than myself. Because I think its working. But obviously the people around me arent..cutting it for counsel. Or are you strengthening my own self and resolve in myself. Are you teaching me to trust you more and let you work in my life. Because I thought you were enough for me. You filled my heart and I didn't need anything else. Anyone else.

Can I go back to that time.

Pieces

4-22-2015

through the past maybe we can have hope.  through my own past i know better than to question how things will go, because somehow everything is always ok.  i know of instances in which results have been less than 100% ideal, but the final final result that really actually did matter was ok.  why should i suspect any different in this case?  i absolutely shouldnt.  i ought to have complete faith.  and thats what i tell myself.  that neuro and chemistry and spanish 449 will all end well.  if its not good its not over?

i ... it would appear to be as though youve made my intended path perfectly clear by the sheer number of open doors.  i couldnt imagine it being any other way.  as other nerve-racking chapters approach me, i can only let it slide off.  because you keep me safe.

encouragement is an interesting thing.  two people can say the same thing and it can mean a lot of different things depending on who said it.  when you say it will be ok, i know that its true.  i can be guaranteed of it.  and yet in my mental and emotional state, things are only assuaged in degrees.  and i dont think i have a person.  my own person.

i feel like.... whenever someone needs me to be there for them, i really really do try to be there.  if someone reaches out to me, im there.  sometimes im there when they dont ask.  but i dont get that a lot.  people who ask.  theres one person who does and i think she really cares as a friend.  she may just be asking casually at first but she does listen and actually cares.  thats what i mean though, sometimes the people you expect least are there most.  thats the case with her. 18-1-13. and thats true in his case too. 2-1-9-12-5-25.  they might never intend the entire story, its hard to say for sure, but when i give it theyre there.  i like to think that when im needed im there too.  im working on it.

but thats the thing.  there can be hope because youre real and move mountains.  and if youve opened the gates of heaven, whos to say that you wont also move mountains.  thats how great your love is for me.  thats how powerful your designs are on my future and everyone elses future.  its all laid out for you to fill in the pieces.

Safety

4-21-2015

It is my opinion that the shelter of the most high refers primarily to God's protection in spirit. There is safety under his wings. And upon his wings bc he brings us to soar on high like eagles. He empowers us.  He is our strength. 

Father god, I pray for peace because I know that there's a lot out of my hand now. I have absolutely no way to control the results at this point.  I just have to trust in you somehow turning this situation into a good one in the end.

When im scared, mostly I dont have to be. Youll care of me even when I dont know how to take care of myself. 

I feel like I know who you are. Characteristically speaking I've seen many sides of you now and read the other sides I have yet to see. But that doesnt change the fact that I'm still learning. Or the fact that I require help still in how to reflect your truth. I still continue to express my frustrations to men first. But you ought to be the first. I have a lot of pent up feelings. But maybe this is the first step. Seeing it and progressively thinking to tell you first.

Either way, I... Wish it was faster. I want to love you so much more and pursue you so much more. I want my person to emanate your glory and love. Right now, I know how to take cover in your vast safety. The next thing is like translating that into sharing about the safety only you can give. And letting things slide off because im safe. You have my whole fate in your hands and im safe. 

The Physical Form of Commitment

4-20-2015

Be proud in humility and lower status. Riches will fall away but the core and heart of a person's soul remains. Its stands to reason that standing firm against the trials of this world will result in only better strength and closeness to God.  both of which are good things.  desirable things.

i desire to know God more.  i hope that i will be able to control myself and take my health seriously and glorify God through my maintenance of my physical form.  this is actually supremely important because respect and God's glorify can seriously require effort on my part.  this can be a serious impediment to future evidence of the Holy spirit within me as a testimony to others.  without health it's hard.  so yeah.  i take it seriously.

and if i commit, i can't be half hearted like i have been in the past. i need to make this serious and work to follow my commitment strictly.  i hereby commit to liquids and fruit only.  until friday night when i go home.  and in the next few days, i have an obligation to work out and at least try to move my body towards a form that glorifies the Lord.

you can do this with His strength.  have confidence in that.  and become a better more Godly young woman because of it.

How to Conduct Yourself in Trials

On behalf of 4-19-2015

When you ask something of God, believe. Have faith in your prayers answer. Don't doubt for a second, that the lord might not hear your requests because he always does.

Be thankful in trials and obstacles which require your reliance upon the strength of god too, bc through these you grow in faith.

That as a gift is greater than most other things you could stand to receive from the lord. And from god, have peace because you'll certainly be taken care of.

Not just this but consider difficulties to be blessings in which you find joy.

Practically, find the joy in academic struggles bc you know it's going to ultimately glorify the lord through your story of trials but ultimate success. With god, everything will definitely be ok.

Learning More

4-18-2015

i feel like i'm just repeating myself now.
over the years i've learned a lot about you.

there's obviously no end to the things i could learn about you
but for some reason i'm stuck.
that can't be right
i need to remedy this
and open my eyes more to what's real
i need my bible to transcribe in.... ugh.

i need more of you.

Finding Wisdom

4-16-2015

get wisdom and understanding.  through you comes all wisdom and understanding.

i feel like i took some time away from the frantic pace of life and i got to experience someone else's life through the movies.  it's not all it's said to be, but it's good enough.  there's something to be said for it, i think.

now all i can think of is how i want to move on from this point in life and then get into my own real life relationships and move.  like where do you find real people to interact with in a real capacity like that.  making actual and legitimate strides in my personal life is a thing to be desired as well.  there's professional development, and then i think there's personal growth.  that's the kind i would... love to see.

wisdom... it's more elusive to personal growth than a person would think

Manifesting You

4-15-2015

if you love me, keep my commands. john 14:15
sometimes i think that maybe there's less of an actual tangible difference between the real believers and the ones who.... aren't?  like maybe it's because they're stuck or like constantly at church.  but that can't be the thing that defines a believer.  going to church? like oh my gosh...i just need to move beyond that.
i think that it has to be different from now.  it HAS to be.
show me more.

Have You Heard? Because Now You Know.

on behalf of 4-14-2015

the Lord is the ultimate being in the world and make's this world as amazing as it is.  he is my protector and he makes the world go round.  through him, i can go back to the way that i'm supposed to be.  through him i can go back to being me.  the real me.  the me that always moves forward, never backwards.  the me that loves like and can wait to breathe a new breath and move forward into the next day and towards a new day.  i've gone back to loving every second that you've given me and that you are giving me.  thank you for the returned happiness of simply living.

there are so many strange things that i never thought i would come to learn and that i have now come to learn.  i know about some of the ways that relationships work that i never thought i would know of.  i'm glad to find out some things.  but more than understanding some of relationships' facets, i'm hoping that i can give it my own shot at making things work out.  it's not the same i know, but still.  i want to get to the point where i can even try to be the best person possible.  but that doesn't seem to be very soon seeing where things currently stand.

the part that i realized that i have no interest in is the fishing for guys in the first place.  they should be people i already know in the places that i work in.  they shouldn't be arbitrary people that i meet off random places.  but that's not it.

God will never be tired of me or working with me to be the best child of his that i can possibly be.  God is my strength.  God ....

i feel like i'm just repeating the same things that i know about you over and over again.  it's like things aren't changing but they should be?  i mean, i think my understanding should be growing but it doesn't always.  i just want to be..... more in you. <sigh>

the good news should be always shared.  i have the obligation to bring the good news to others.  here's what i think i need to do. make more effort in my relationships and friendships.  i think.... that i need to bring someone to church?  but like don't i first need to find myself at church.  no, yeah.  that's what i need.  i need to pick my place.  i need to figure this out.  i need to be free.

In the Light and Out of Darkness. Out of Chains.

4-13-2015

by Christ there is a next. there is hope. there is strength and i can make it through past this wednesday of like likely hell since i have that many page paper to write.... but you will help me make it through and finish that work.... that would be great. i know that everything will be ok...
for the wages of sin is death but  the gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus our Lord. romans 6:23.

the power of sin hurt and chains us.  but i'm free. in Christ i'm free from the chains and the pain.  i can be in the light.  stand in the light.

Broadcast

4-11-2015

Worship the Lord your god with all your heart and all your soul and all your mind. Don't be afraid to voice those praises and left everyone know who you are, a child of God. And blessed because of him.

...

4-10-2015

In faith and randomness for the things you have given me, I persevere and continue. Only overflowing in love will you be seen. I wish and want for this to work and grow with you. I.. For some reason have only that to say and draw a blank on everything else T_T

Different. Revival of Me.

4-8-2015

don't be like everyone else in this world.  be renewed instead by a relationship with the real and one true God in this world.  that's better than anything else that one could hope for and it means differentiating the self from all those other people because believers, disciples, we SHOULDNT be exactly like anyone else.  you've taught me how to live better and your word is there for me to help guide me.  i must and should be part of the word and make the word part of me. in this way, there is the thing that i need in order to glorify you more in the way that you deserve to be respected properly and glorified.  not to mention that my body ought to be a more fit temple for you.  in light of that, i have been working out and exercising.  but that's not helpful.  it's not enough.  and so... i'm fasting for the next three days.  i want to renew myself more in that time.  i think that is your will for me, part of your will for me.  that, i hope and pray for.

2:42 With Hope

4-7-2015

maybe facing my emotions is the best way to deal with this monster becaus ei wouldn't be able oto deal with it any other way.  i can't and wouldn't have been able to let it last forever.  there was no way that i way going to continue feeling in that misery and self-loathing and depressing stupor of woe.  if nothing else, i had an obligation to get out of it as your child.  and i'm glad that i have found some higher calling.  and i have found a real person in the midst of the falsified two faced men and women who only care about themselves.  i hope that i'm not like that.  i strive not to be. but i must be more conscious of myself and ensure that i'm not.  i absolutely cannot fall to that kind of pattern where i seek only to speak of "my" achievements as if they were really my own.  oh no.  i must not do that.  other people matter and when i listen, i ought to listen completely.  when i allow my heart to explode and speak its mind, i only hope that i give others a chance to do the same whenever they wish or require it.  because this is the reality of love.  when two can do this, you are there.

and in this verse, i find something spectacular.  in this passage.  devoting themselves is a reference to a complete commitment.  it wasn't half way.  but all the way.  and they fellowshipped with one another in love and support.  not only this but they ate together and prayed together.  you don't call us to do this alone, but rather, to share in the fight for your kingdom and the journey.  all the believers were  together and everything they had in common.  i'm just like the next believer and there is no better or worse.  there are different talents to be sure, but in the end, the love is the same--should be the same.  there is much growth for me to gain from others and i'm seeing a few more examples of your goodness around me.  it's quite lovely, actually(:

it's with a lighter heart that i go into the next day now.  because i know that there's even a fraction more hope in the world. and i have hope in my own ability to near you so long as i draw on you for the strength to make that happen. through you, nothing is impossible.

All of Me

4-6-2015

dwelling in the house of the lord for all my life and being part of his kingdom is a wonderful thing to be.  for me to put my entire heart towards the Lord and his kingdom and glory--that's the best thing that i can do and i want to do that.  i need to put all my energy towards a very real progressive movement to knowing him better and i can say for sure that today i've made some progress in my life.  i've... gotten some work done :x there's much work to be done though still with studying...
the first thing is that i made the decision to do some homework... i need to continue studying and actually work hard.  this private practice thing kinda needs to stop so i can work.  lord, i pray that you would help me get this balance.  and kick school's butt.

All Things Considered

for 4-5-15

1 Thessalonians 5:!6-18
Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

praying continually is one of the best things ever and because of God I can rejoice always and be filled with the holy spirit in love and pushing through everything.  no matter what my circumstances are, i can be glad in the lord's gift of a new situation to me.  that situation is something for me to learn and grow from.

gosh. so i like the community that i'm beginning to enter and build, but i'm also scared out of my mind about the possibility of it all being a cult.  what if i'm getting into something bigger than i expected.  worse than i could have ever imagined.  it needs to be biblical. and now im conflicted.  and im unsure of what to really do. i need to continually pursue you, and i know in my heart what's right.  i know from knowledge of the bible and your word--what i've already learned from you and what you help me to know by your spirit.

i'm wary, but i've already made certain commitments to this new thing.  but i haven't totally left Navs either.  i'm inclined to keep up with both, but i dont think that's necessarily right. i don't think there's anything in Navs for me to learn in. but on thursday afternoons, there's on campus study for the vineyard.  i think it's necessary for me to try that.  concurrently with this new thing... i pray for your guidance through this winding path.

Inside of Me

4-4-15

I have singular satisfaction from knowing thst your spirit resides within me. Because it means that I have a chance of becoming a woman. Thats hope I most fervently hold on to. Theres mlre to me. I can serve to a better and greater degree. I'm not necessarily limited to this meager existence in which things come and go and no one cares for me because I don't csre enough for others . I have a possibility of more than this.

You give life and you can give me life. You can show me the meaning of true love and I can spread word of it. Bring me back to you please. Im dying and desperate to change.

Love for Us

4-3-2015

God is incredible and loved us, loved us now even, though we sinned dreadfully against him. Somehow he forgives the heartbreaking reality of our wretchedness and then wants us to be his still. It's a beautiful thing. It's a remarkable inexplicable thing.
Romans 5:8...
Apart from that theres.. So much more. God is everything goodn. He makes everything good. Why can't I be closer to you? Knowing is not bringing me any nearer and it kills me to know this about myself.
A little bit of time and a lot of work is what I need to best you :3

For Us

4-2-2015

 There's a problem. Yeah I don't need friends, but it's hard. It's hard not live like a hermit. When everything is so busy around me. I have so much I have planned things that want to do. I have the lab. I love it too but it takes so so much time. I love it, and I want to do it more and more and more. And then friends... Go to the way :3 it's probably not healthy. But this is... The way that I know how. I've always been one to prioritize my work first. Over.... Everything. It used to work out because my friends understood in high school. They were the same way. Academics mattered first and we honestly like all worked together. Or at least semi together.That was the other thing. I ...

I just feel really lost in everything. School is this empty black hole that sucks me in to do these work like things. And people don't understand why im in the lab so much. And I need just like one person to understand. I need a best friend.I don't want a boy. I want anyone who can be like me and work hard for a goal they care about and of high enough caliber for us to challenge each other in different areas.

 I know that I'm not alone. I know that you're   there. Lord, you're always with me. But for some reason it's not the same. And I know that you are enough. But at the same time, even you tell us to fellowship amongst ourselves as believers. That's what I need first and foremost. And in that midst, maybe there's someone who's..... Somewhat like me. I thought I was average for the longest time. I thought that's why I didn't have a draw. Who wants an average girl that doesn't care to play pretend and dress up. But now I know better. I'm above average in intellect. And if I don't dress up they know I'm different. Then I'm not playing along with the societal standards. On the contrary, if i play the game, then maybe they'll be mistakenly led to conclude that I'm like the rest. But I don't want to be like that. And yet there are times when I just play along.

What am I even doing with my life.  

Either way, Christ does for MY sins. I won't let that be for nothing. I'll do something useful with my life in your name and for your glory. I can't desecrate your name by a failure to know you. That's the best thing in the world. I have to do better. Not because your love is contingent on it, but because I want to. Because I'm a desperate woman in desperate need of a savior.

Humble Service

4-1-2015

Christ came to serve us on earth and the best thing for us is to also serve others. To be completely humble and to put our pride aside. Not only this but we can put complete trust in you to then give everything that we have for the benefit of others.

Lord I think that I could put much more effort into knowing you but for some reason my progress in papers has been impeded and I'm not able to dedicate myself to you as much as I should like ): I need to work on this..I

The other thing is rules for myself. I have this obligation to you and my own integrity. My purity is necessary. And I can maintain my rules. That's permissible.I can set standards like that with an expectation of that being kept and for one day in the very far future meeting another who's done the same. It happens.

Because of God

3-31-2015

Because of God things will and can be ok. I can do this and it'll be im. I'll be ok. The Lord is my sovereign. I shall not want. I shall focus on God and on glorifying his name. I can stand up for your name and remember to pray without shame. I can do it. You can help me do this.