short of your Glory

12-26-2014

Romans 3:23 NIV

23 for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God one thing i have noticed is how much you permeate into the culture here of peru and it's actually quite beautiful.  most people here know that they have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, it would seem and i actually really like how everyone can share that about you.  it's not at all like the cynicism that i'm used to back in the states where even the mention of God makes people scorn and laugh at the "fairytales" as they call it.  how rude. i fall short and need you. i'm also still faltering in terms of doing all the things that i really need--my prayer life is doing especially poorly ):  i know that though and that i too fall short of the glory of God.  hence, my new desperation :/  that is what i will be especially working on bettering in the coming weeks before i return home--compelling myself to desire more fiercely and love you such that i must always spend quiet time with you and so it's a joy, rather than any hassle.  XOXO much love.

jump into the day

12-25-2014 Romans 5:1 NIV
1 Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ

God is the source of all the wonderfulness to be had and because of him I trust and have faith and happiness and the joy which springs only from him.  I absolutely know and believe that through him increasing awesomeness with happen and that I need not fear for anything because he is with me.

with praying before meals, i only sometimes remember ): but tomorrow i can work on it more :O i will try harder!!

i'm continuing to have an open mind and i think that i am more content with my portion because i know that God gives to each and does so with a design in mind.  jealousy is not becoming, and it is much better to wait and see how things go.

for tomorrow, i'll just jump into the day and trust you.

all love

12-23-2014

Romans 5:8 NIV

8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. i've been making a more conscious effort to follow you expressively, but i can still make a greater effort for sure.  things dont always go as planned though i know, and i just need to focus on you and the opportunity available and how to make the most of that in terms of learning and practicing the most possible.  you're the one in control and i just need to remember that and allow you to direct me.  already i must say that ive enjoyed peru immensely.  where actual things are concerned the only thing left is to actually administer vaccines or triage a few patients at least?  i mean, that's also something that can be done next month in mexico though.  i just want to find some unique experience that the united states doesn't actually have to offer me. as far as romans goes though, yes you were there and loved us while we were still sinners and not quite lovable.  and so regardless of the difficulty that i'm faced with in terms or meeting others, i too have an obligation to love and try more so than even others. i'm glad, however, that we're going to mass tomorrow evening!  i'm actually really excited about that and seeing what it's like.

outward

retrospective studies

I seek you with all my heart; do not let me stray from your commands.

Psalm 119:10

do not let me forget or move away from your truth.

i think i should still pray outwardly before eating.  that would probably just be... a good thing to do. like i dont think it would be culturally... too looked at strangely i dont think? yeah. i should do that.

anyways, my feelings about peru have drastically changed and by the 3rd day i was having a blast and knowing where i was going and such.  it was absolutely fantastic :D

do not let me stray from your commands though as i progress during this trip and i just hope that i can be truer than true to who i was before this trip in terms of my relationship with you.  that's something that i think should remain sacred and sanctified and like.. true.  i'm not sure how that whole desperation thing is working out for me.  im not sure if i'm relying on myself at this point or if i'm leaning on your strength which is infinite.

so that's my mandate to myself. to pray before meals.  and to focus more especially in terms of who i'm depending on for strength even as i feel the desperation leaving me and am feeling confident in being in peru without mom and dad.  outwardly, expressing the same commitment as your disciple or even more.  inwardly, placing my faith in you and no where else.

one

12-9-2014


John 17:3        NIV
3 Now this is eternal life: that they know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent.

knowing Christ who was sent down to earth by you and having that personal relationship with you is the real way to salvation.

I am in such awe of your glory and beauty and the magnificence of that which you do in my life. it's beautiful. and I couldn't be happier and that I've been able to connect with such incredible young women who are after you and pursue you and learn from their experience and grow in you.

and for the women who I know love the lord and who I can speak to and know that I will receive Godly advice from. it's just fantastic beyond measure!!~~ and now I have to share it with others. and stand firm in you while associating with others who don't recognize you. I'll be doing my best to reveal you through what I do and say.

mandate

12-8-2014

John 15:12-13    NIV
12 My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. 13 Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.

love each other like God loves us. that is the most powerful tool among us for facilitating interaction between ourselves and I must assert, love is that most requisite.

love. it's hard sometimes but it's necessary all the time. nothing is greater than true sacrifice for other out of love.

I know that for myself there's been a struggle to commit to you completely and I keep trying to go back and rectify it but the struggle is so real and its...

language is one thing. daily commitment to you is another. and somehow from that I must build up towards you and a stronger relationship. it's strange because I... know what is better but I'm also somewhat clueless. ugh. I just throw myself towards you. no worries, just faith.

confidence in your design

retrospective studies

This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of him.

1 John 5:14-15

praise to You.  if we are walking in your footsteps, you will hear us when we cry out for help in your name.  you are our God the one true king who is also with us and never leaves us.  i need not fear because you are there and i can be confident in your love and strength.  you are absolutely incredible, all-powerful and amazing, and i will never be alone.

luke 11:9 says ask and you will know, seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened to you. this qualifies that with asking, seeking and finding in accordance with Your designs, but that should be a given, no?  here´s what´s for sure though, as this journey goes on, i will be keeping my ears wide open for you.  i won´t waiver and everything will absolutely be for you.  im ready to learn, to see the kind of work ahead for me, i´m ready to be a disciple making a real difference in a very concrete way.

i know that im not supposed to just do medicine.  that in itself doesnt necessarily bring people to you, but i.... think this is like my crutch.  how to reach people when you dont know how to.  because when you give someone assistance in such a concrete way, its hard to say no and to NOT feel the love of God, right?

for now, all that i really know is this:  follow you wholeheartedly in everything. speak often but only with you coming through me and in accordance to your designs. disciple for you in everything.  take care but be bold.  for You are with me.

desperate for desperation

 retrospective studies

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

2 Corinthians 12:9

 

in my own weakness and shortcomings, my need for God grows evermore and it is exactly this that paul speaks of.  i noticed this too, but in another way.  and it's true that in desperation we allow ourselves to be given and for our burdens to be given to you so much more.  but at the same time, that does not mean that there are really ever any circumstances under which i don't need you.  it's just my own awareness of that actually constant desperation.  and honestly, by opening my eyes to my own depravity, i think it's for the best in terms of coming to terms with why i need you so much and then continuing to desire to be a light for you with fervor even when it doesnt seem like it so much.

 

because that's the reality of life in this world--that im a sinner, fallen, broken, and in need of salvation from you.  the only one true king and savior of the world.

 

speak to others frequently and don't be afraid of crappy spanish.  talking is the only way to show others your power and grace and how awesome he is in sending people to assist even in their lack of familiarity with the area, and such.

a differentiating characteristic with regards to good and evil

retrospective studies

 

With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be.

James 3:9-10

 

it must certainly be hypocrisy for man to be cursing and praising from the same mouth.  in what james indicates, this is a call for us to choose--between good and evil.  and choose to be good and say only good rather than to allow for our natures, our sinful natures, to take control and to spew things which are not good and therefore not belonging to God.

 

in light of this most straightforward command to be good and think and say that which is good, i have a most apparent obligation to rededicate myself to those things as a disciple of Christ.  Lord, i have so many shortcomings, and i must say that there is much too much that is not good that has come from my mouth.  but that can change.  not only that, but it must.

 

what must i do in the imminent future though?  well, praise is only appropriate for you God as i continue to live and breath and take in this most wonderful life.  it's a wonderful life, indeed.  your creation floods my senses and i have only pleasure and happiness from it.  all around me, the relationships that i have begun to build only bring a smile to my face as i explore depth with the adults in particular who have taken an interest in me, who've invested themselves in my future.

 

as for curses, there is no reason for that.  my objective, stop it.  stahp it.  there's no reason for that.  i'm... trying to think how i've sinned in that way most recently in speaking ill of others.  i'm not exactly sure, but ----oh, just kidding.  my decided distaste for some of the potential --innfants and for --iblings.  that's enough.  who am i to pass judgment.  i have absolutely no right.  better only and better yet would be to express love and concern where their particular behaviors might be concerned.

so now, i say and see this:  for myself, to love your Lord ever more fervently is necessary and to forget about the shortcomings of others in my conversations with others and to basically stop gossiping and participating in the spread of stories which are true but not necessarily beneficial or image-building for others, yeah.  that would make me that much more of a better person and disciple for Christ.  it's a differentiating characteristic--or at least it should be.

 

 

compelling circumstances

12-16-2014

And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.

Hebrews 11:6 

 

i have to have faith in order to please God and that is the mindset that i must certainly go into this trip to peru with.  otherwise, there will be absolutely no point in being here today.  or for the next three weeks.  Lord, i give up the entire trip to you.  i just pray for my own willingness to take a leap of faith with your will in mind and to be confident in your desire to bring good out of this work.  may i continually focus my eyes on you throughout this journey as i seek to discover what path is that which you have designed specfically for me. 

first, i must believe that you exist.  second, i must believe that you will bless me for wholeheartedly seeking out your will.  i have faith in both of those things, but most of all, i believe that you have especially designed for me to bring you glory in medicine to underserved communities.

today, im no longer so certain of international medicine as your will for me.  but maybe that's just because i'm scared and for no other reason.  because leaving home is frightening, to be sure.  but i know that you will guard me and help me to see what is real.  and if i am called back home, i will know why.  not immediately, of course, but you know--like at the end of the three weeks.

at the same time though, i hope that its... not the case?  i want to learn to trust in you, and honestly, at this time i can see so clearly that this is probably the most clear ways to compel that kind of faith.  when You're the only one there who i can trust and depend on, things change.  the faith comes naturally.  it's out of necessity, but i wish it was because i was a better disciple.  regardless, post-peru, i have a feeling that i'll have learned faith and be able to turn it on even when i dont have quite so great a degree of desperation.  and that's better.

so for the next three weeks, and then forever more, ill believe more strongly than ever before, because that's how to really bring a smile to you for the work being done.  it has to be with pure intentions.  it has to be with you in mind.  

i'm all yours, Lord.

one way

on behalf of 12-12-2014

Acts 4:12 NIV

12 Salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given to mankind by which we must be saved.” there is only one way--through you, and you are the only avenue for life. this is a serious matter to be taken seriously, and honestly, i think that means i really really need to figure out some way to speed up my sharing of you. and i also need to deal with my rush of emotions and my obsessiveness. it needs to not be like this and all the ..... angst needs to be diverted to something normal.  and i know you are the only way, i could divert it all into energy for you. does it work that way? i just cant stop processing him and....now its all like last year all over again except like different. like more. and like im into it. and to the point where im writing about it indirectly in my messages to others: This--an inadequacy of words--it has hit me most strongly in the last few days as I've come to strongly recognize the transient nature of what we are.  I don't mean to be overly contemplative or melodramatic.  That, and I have also been fortunate as only a bystander to the ebb and flow of life and time: that is to say, time hasn't yet taken away ones close to my heart, but around me, close friends have been working through it.  And as a close friend, I have had not only sympathy, but an surge of innumerable other sentiments rushing through me as I endeavor to offer genuine condolences in addition to strength and comfort to those around me.  I say endeavor because more often than not, there is no right thing to say.  When words are lacking--

beyond

12-11-2014

John 18:36 NIV

36 Jesus said, “My kingdom is not of this world. If it were, my servants would fight to prevent my arrest by the Jewish leaders. But now my kingdom is from another place.” God is beyond us.  thank goodness for that.  for being more than i can fathom.  your intensity and omniscient power brings such immense comfort and strength.  i can depend on you and you build me up so that i can build up others.  you are from another place and have no need for the earthly things. it doesn't matter.  what matters are the strength of my work for you.  in your name.  what matters are the people not the things.  the places not the things of those places.  i work towards you.   its not necessarily chandler, but what i could conceivably do for the people of the city.  what can i do.  that is the question, and i ought to base future decisions upon that.

suffocating joy

on behalf of 12-10-2014

Acts 1:8 NIV

8 But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.” it's time to shine to everyone God's light and hide nothing. be bright for God and love and just witness in absolutely every mode of life.  never stop.  dont stop.  cant stop wont stop.  i will receive power when the holy spirit comes on me?--yeah when God works magic, things will be wonderful.  for sure. right now, i can only think about how to live for you in the moment.  my mind is blown from the beauty of the people in my life and i just want to introduce you to all of them. anyways, i can't think of anything else particularly pressing on my heart that i can express in that sort of way here.  it was perfectly placed in my letter: Words.  the sentiments rush through me and don't stop and i can't exactly verbalize them but i'll try and i'm moved beyond words and i can only feel now.  i have joy that can't be shared.  a full heart that's suffocating from bearing silence.  that, i realize is the exact love and joy to be explosive inside me from God.  that is what it must be like and i yearn for that.  wow.  i've found it.  now i just need to.... reach it.

in him

John 15:5 NIV
5 “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.

theres nothing that i can think of that is better than for me to be one with God. you are absolutely everything that i am and that i have the potential to be and you.... i need you.  and you want me for yourself to be like you and in you.  thank you for everything that you do for me and for showing me the light.  in this next week and the coming trials of "chaos" i will work harder to be close to your heart.  i cannot be apart from you and better than anything else is for me to pursue you constantly and in everything that i do.  continually remind myself of my dependence and seek you in my everyday life.  there are so many free seconds when i ought to be in dialogue with you.  there are so many occupied seconds when i ought to still be in dialogue with you.  that's a conversation for the ages.

peace everlasting

12-3-2014

John 14:27 NIV

27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. it couldn't be more real.  i have like no worries.  i just go from day to day and know that God is with me and then i handle the situation.  just like that.  but Lord, you are the singular one who allows for me live completely in the present and for you.  nothing holds me back because of you and i can know that everything is taken care of.  that is the peace you have left behind with me and that you have given me.  it absolutely isn't like what the world gives.  the world gives and then reclaims.  the world is transient.  the world lies.  the world indulges in itself.  but You are different.  your peace is everlasting and eternal--the greatest and of most depth.  i need not be troubled or afraid.  of nothing shall i worry and preoccupy myself unnecessarily. i've found that apprehension does nothing because the results will be the same, but this does not mean i don't have to put in effort.  on the contrary, i should proceed as i normally would in terms of studying and working, but leave the rest up to You.  that's how i began to handle AP exam season as i learned from you.  that's how i began to handle physiology as i learned that it would be ok.  that is how i must learn to handle this last neurophysiology exam and chemistry and mis lab final.  for now though, im just going to read over neurophysio and trust you.  i know it sets me apart.  knowing how to not stress.  and i also know that you will bless me so many times over with unexpected things through that peace.