to die.

1-29-2015

Philippians 1:21 NIV
21 For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.

Christ is the key to absolutely everything and from Him, I gain absolutely everything from him, and he is the only reason that i have any power at all.  to die to oneself, if i die to myself and my sins, then i gain all the world and everything that comes with Christ.  all the chances to grow and become more like you--

again, dying is the best case.  dying means greater proximity to you.

i might die tonight, but i'll be dying for you and what i need to do.

my destined path

on behalf of 1-27-2015

Ephesians 6:10-18        NIV

10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16 In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

18 And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.

it's a real fight. I always knew that doing the right things wasn't easy necessarily and this time it involves honoring a commitment made before for working but man. this is what the real world is basically like--where people half to make choices and are compelled to do certain thugs by work pressures. in my particular case, I really would like to just sleep right now but I like CAN'T. the drg prep is waiting for me :O T-T and I need four shifts this month. it's actually becoming a real struggle but I trust you lord to bring me through this time.

and as far as fighting evil with scripture, I honestly think the memorizing is going to be the best way but I'm failing so much at doing that. my mind is lazy and unwilling. it would much rather sleep:( so I pray for a change of heart that might motivate me to love you more. I'm scared to give myself to you completely, I realize in that I'm essentially desperate for sleep though.... maybe rest will fix this misery which is threatening to inhibit my schedule. lord, is this what I'm supposed to be doing with my life right now?

the road to completion

1-28-2015

Philippians 1:6 NIV
6 being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

i have absolute confidence in the capacities of God and his listening ear as he answers our prayers in some shape of form.  every time that i had cried out to him for help where my health and surviving the day was concerned, he has rejuvenated me and provided me with an energy that i don't even normally have when i'm healthy.  those who are carrying out the good work to the day of Christ Jesus will find blessings, it would seem.

i was so discouraged by my health this morning, but then i ended up the happiest camper like ever when i did the best dorsal root ganglion prep.  i know that it was a good prep.  i'm expecting amazing results tomorrow.  oh, Lord.  i do so need a victory.  i did the work today, didn't i? :O

not only did you bless me with that, but you also brought me to the hospital for my emergency department clinical trials shift and i got to split a little boy's arm.  say WHAT.  yup--he showed me how to do it, what materials we needed, it was AWESOMEEEE.  and i swear, there's just something.  because emergency medicine residents are...on point.

being confident in the love of the Lord, i will continue to pursue what is righteous and good and what you press upon my heart, oh God.  for i know that you will be with me as i carry it on to completion.

to resolve it

1-26-2015

Ephesians 3:20 NIV
20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us,

God is powerful.  That is the essence of this verse.  He is all powerful and knowledgable and can do anything.  There is no such thing as his inadequacy and I can always rest assured that everything will be okay in him. Nothing is impossible.

Knowing that you are all-knowing and having comfort in that, I say from experience just this morning that you resolve issues that I didn't even know I had, and you allow for everything to really be ok.

it's alright now.  that question of sexuality has been resolved as far as my friendship with her goes.  we'll at least stand or sit apart at the lab parties and avoid further... questioning by my favorite postdoc.  i don't mind it really, but i also am extremely binary and hetero, and by virtue of that i have a desire to completely sidestep confusion.  besides that though, honestly the excessive contact made me uncomfortable and when i slept over, it was really weird to me.  being poked like that isn't platonic >:|

but now i think it's all good.  and i won't be sleeping over hosting any sleep overs for a LONG TIME.  you've helped me to resolve it.

intentions

1-25-2015

Ephesians 2:10 NIV
10 For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

we are called to do deeds which reflect our relationship and power through Christ Jesus and it is this that will truly show others who You are and what it means to be a disciple of the one true king.

i have so many thoughts going on.  so so many thoughts.

primarily, i am seeing that even if i have certain intentions, it is possible that others would interact with me in a way such that my own intentions and works are misconstrued where their purpose is concerned.  like, seriously.  my sexuality was questioned--not in a pressuring kind of antagonistic way, to be sure.  but it was also commented that i might have clarifying work to do.  this honestly has been driving me INSANE.  and more than anything, it lets me know that i must be more responsible for not only my own words and actions, but for the gestures of others which might not be quite so subtle and will certainly reflect on who i am.

i am a creation of God and in preparation of the Lord's advancement, clearly there is greater vigilance required of me, if i am going to complete this objective in loving as you love without allowing for that to somehow backfire and smother the truth.

that which i deserve not at all

on behalf of 1-24-2015

Ephesians 2:8 NIV
8 For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—

God has gifted me with more than i could have possibly ever imagined and i must remember that i have to trust HIM.  that is the only way that i can die unto myself and delete self-interest from the vocabulary of my actions which so contradicts the mandate of love upon me for the servitude of God and others rather than myself.  this goes along so perfectly with the attitude of service and of allowing the Lord to be my master and lead me to whichever cross I am designed to bear in His name.  this is a gift.  the opportunity to be a martyr for You would be a most high honor.

i have not been saved by my own hands, but rather by the grace of God--in receiving that which i deserve not at all.

in good faith, i will continue to pursue God and know that he will do all things in his own timing and that i need not fear for anything of myself.  everything will work itself out and he takes care of the birds and flowers of the field.  should not he be ever more vigilant of his beloved children and watch over them?  i should think so and worry not at all.

a word with you

1-22-2015

Don’t allow love to turn into lust, setting off a downhill slide into sexual promiscuity, filthy practices, or bullying greed. Though some tongues just love the taste of gossip, those who follow Jesus have better uses for language than that. Don’t talk dirty or silly. That kind of talk doesn’t fit our style. Thanksgiving is our dialect. (Ephesians 5:3, 4 MSG)

wow. um could anything be more directed towards me and reminding me of my commitment to You? I should think not because from this it appears apparent that there is not other option for my life at all. when you're spoken to, do listen. there are times when I would have said that I wasn't sure if I'd been spoken to by the Lord but it would seem to be that this occasion here is a perfect example of his explicit message. 

although a person may be inclined to falter--I now can't and feel the strength of truth and righteousness compelling me to do otherwise. let not love turn to ungodly lust. remember his commands and your promise to him and the sanctity of that and remain true. from God will come your strength to do so. and he will keep your words better.

don't gossip. there were many occasions on which for some reason you felt inclined to speak of another's winter and those winter shortcomings but that's so unnecessary. good that you didn't, I say to myself. and for the holy spirits role in reminding me to remain silent on this particular matter.

marked remarks.

1-21-2015

Ephesians 1:11-14 NIV

11 In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will, 12 in order that we, who were the first to put our hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory. 13 And you also were included in Christ when you heard the message of truth, the gospel of your salvation. When you believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, 14who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession—to the praise of his glory.

we have been marked specially as God's.

honestly this is simple and reflective of yesterday's remarks.  so i quite know what to say.

here's what i will say though.  i'm moving in a different direction now. or at least my heart is.  i'm finding that it might conceivably be possible to move a certain person this way.  er--i would say it more like waving that person over and calling his attention.  there are certain realisms in life that i am compelled to recognize, but overall i would say that i have yet to do anything ridiculous and that would be my only guideline.  don't destroy anything and just as the Lord has marked you out for himself, he has marked another for himself and for you.  that sounds strange to any who have yet to know you, but your disciples understand, to be sure.

the presence of the holy spirit in our reflections serves as veritable evidence of our hearts and reminder to our minds and hearts of the expectations upon us not only by the Lord, but by our new renewed selves.

i have six weeks to bring him into my life in that way, i think.  we'll see what happens.  there is one remaining semester because of graduation.  but beyond that, i feel like i've done enough to create a lasting friendship.  that's what i hope, anyhow.  in life it's hard to say anything for sure, and to be honest, i think that there is likely much more that You, God, would like to show me before this part of the road has ended.  i essentially have no doubt as to the truth of that.  but that doesn't play a particularly good role in eradicating my impatience.  so i will act in at least a respectable manner and wait for ... something.

as one marked as the Lord's, i must say that it seems more difficult.  but there is nothing to preoccupy myself with.  You will take care of it and i must only pursue you.

surprises

1-20-2015

Ephesians 1:4-6  NIV

4 For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love 5 he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will— 6 to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves.

God has chosen us to be unique and lights in the world despite what other people might be like or say or do. we are still to be examples of shining light in the world and clear disciples of Christ whom we love and so strive to emulate. predestined. that means that we have a particular path an design set before us and honestly we just have ENORMOUS opportunity for being more. 

if there's anything that I've learned tonight, it's that despite what people might think and despite my own preconceptions about a _thing_, it's highly possible for us to be taken by surprise completely and by having an open attitude, things are just SO much more prone to turn out beautifully. from what I can tell you're just great and probe to surprise us, me. and I'm content to be continually surprised. it's lovely. it brings a smile to my face oh it does. this shift is three quarters over and I feel like I've only been here one quarter. heck yeah. this is life(:

no tricks

on behalf of 1-19-2015

Galatians 6:7 NIV
7 Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows.

A person gets whatever he puts in, and there's no "tricking" God.  He knows that which we think and are and do, and this is simply true as a result of his omniscience.  God is above all things and from this there is a lot of security in my opinion.

some might be inclined to feel that it's big brother like for God to know everything.  but for me, it's not about that at all.  that God knows me inside out keeps me accountable for my attitudes on one level.  at another, it means that he cares for me and i am beloved--as any true child of His is.  that is, all of us. whether we recognize it or not.  God loves me and knows everything about me.

but a man gets what he puts in.  that means however much i strive to know God impacts how much i will grow the relationship.  for more effort, there are so many many things that i should or could be doing in order to know God more.  one slight of hand is that i realized that i left the bible at home. for transcriptions.  well..... i guess i can't add to it for the next few weeks.  but apart from that, i can still add to it when i bring it back the very last weekend of january/the first week of february.  in the meantime, i'll just need to focus on learning from scripture and spending time processing my actions in that way.

from the sermon on sunday, it really resonated with me--the discussion on actions versus attitude where servitude is concerned.  be ready to serve others, and that is what true discipleship calls for.

what can i do? concrete goals for today?  --this is really hard....... do something kind for someone at the hospital today.  we'll just say that.

el cuerpo

1-18-2015

Galatians 5:22-23 NIV
22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

such things are what i ought to strive for and as the sermon reminded me keenly, there is a necessity for servitude in not only actions, but attitude and mind.  that is the completion of anything when a person is able to transform in entirety by going beyond the flesh and remaking the internal sentiments.  that is how i must reform myself in order to grow and become nearer to you as a true disciple.  this i know to be true.

love joy peace patience kindness goodness faithfulness gentleness and selfcontrol.

for myself in this day i know that my mind is continually burdened by silly inclinations towards breaking that promise which i made beforehand.  why? i dont know and its sad to my heart but simultaneously conflicting where my body is concerned.  el cuerpo se siente diferente como el corazón y otra vez hay lo que quiero hacer que está lunchando contra lo que debo hacer y lo que he prometido al Señor.  it's such a real struggle.

but i know what the fruit are and if i simply focus myself on the Lord--

when by you side

1-17-2015

Galatians 5:16 NIV
16 So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.

the spirit is the key to being yours? of course.

walk away from memories of him?  that's hard.  but maybe that's the only way.  maybe i have to? maybe it's better. that i should.  that i need to.  that it's for the best.  i treasure them but he's not here. distance is great and the future... theoretically there are things that could happen, but realistically none of those things will come to fruition.  don't waste your time.  it's highly improbable.  there's gotta be something for you in this country.  even if most of the country has forsaken the lord i know and love <3

but if i stay by your side, you are there and i will not fall for the desires of the flesh.  knowing that strength is always important.

in my memory

on behalf of 1-16-2015

Galatians 5:1 NIV
1 It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.

don't live life like you're a slave because--Christ wiped the slate clean, cliche though that may be.  he saved you and so you should experience it.  don't be like the rest of the world, ignorant and.... yeah.  just be a disciple in every way!!!

it was good to go home yesterday. i needed that.  and the sleep. and time away from school in a good bed. and i got time to think about my future and whether or not i can afford to do french.  instead of taking the potentially free opportunity to study in germany through the DAAD.  now, here's what it looks like.  that if my check--wired straight for my leftover un-expensed scholarship things--turns out to be a minimum of the same amount as last semester, then i would be able to definitely afford a semester there by taking just independent study units for NSCS and then maybe doing my leftover gen ed units online.  at the moment that sounds like a pretty great idea.... right?  anyways, i only had time to consider that last night as i lay awake and restless--not quite ready to just pass out for whatever reason.

also, i am a free soul.  i belong to no one but you.  but for some reason, in my memory, i still....have a lot of wishes. i wish i had just said it. te quiero? it would have been easy.  now i don't know if i will ever get a chance again.  that kind of thing only happens once in a lifetime right? maybe i should have gone further. could i have gone further and not gone all the way?  i don't really know, but at this point, i just think about him a lot. like yeah, a lot. and i don't know if i really want anything from this, but i think about him a lot and it's probably... well i could be in a slightly more healthy state of mind, i'm sure. i need to do something about this.  God--i should be all over you and not...in the past. gah.

i've been catching myself with the language more as i've come home though.  that's frustrating that it's harder to avoid, but so far it hasn't come out of my mouth quite yet, and i've altered the words to better options at the last moment every time so far.  i still need to catch up on my month or so's worth of unwritten letters and transcriptions... ok, tonight. 

yours

1-15-2015

Galatians 2:20 NIV
20 I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

i still count on you for strength, God.  you are the only one who could possibly keep me from falling at this point. my body is weak, but you are ever strong.  you love me and gave yourself for my sake and it is with this knowledge that i must live my life to the fullest and proclaiming your glory.  anything less would be absolutely dastardly.

everything is for you and everyday i'm nothing but grateful for what you have given me because without you i would be nothing.  i would have nothing.  i would have zero clue where i would stand today without your gracious love and not only the talents that you have bestowed upon me, but the people you have surrounded me with. the parents who love me.  the friends who walk by and stick around.  that's important.  and i'm continuing to pursue you but its a struggle and i guess.... i'll just have to see where it takes me.  in the most active way, i mean that. i have work to do, but.  well there's not really a "but" side.  i just have work to do for being yours.  no one said it was easy.  in the end, that's all that really matters though.  i am your child and that side of me, that definition of me is the best side of me.  i hope it'll soon and someday be the only side of me.  your part--all of me should be your part.

wings.

1-14-2015

2 Corinthians 12:9 NIV
9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

through you i can do anything and i have nothing to fear. in my struggle you will make me whole.  today i have everything to be grateful--honestly, just like every other day. in particular, today i have my very nice classes to celebrate.  there is basically nothing that could be better about the professors that i have met so far.  im extremely excited about my spanish 449h class. profa literally danced into class? if that's not a promising sign, i don't know what is haha.

even through the struggle of this sickness.... your strength is enough for me.  you can help me push through anything.  this is what i will keep in mind most strongly as i try to make it to the weekend when i can finally crash at home and just... sleep?

i can say for sure that you were my strength before in peru.  you just made things work and i was able to kinda sorta communicate--like enough XD--and enjoy my experience.  you gave me the wings i needed to soar through trujillo.  for that i am speechless and really just in aw.  i just hope that --

what does this mean for me?  keep pursuing you wholly.  it will reap blessing unimagined, and the growth in you.  that'll be the best part.  now, onward and tackle the world. soar with wings like eagles.

reminder: graciously thankful

1-13-2014

2 Corinthians 6:14 NIV
14 Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?

being back to university reminds me of all the things that i missed about the people here that i love and had sort of forgotten than i loved so much.  they're a wonderful family and i'm very lucky to have them.  moving back in today was good.  you reminded me of things here in the dirty T.

now, i ought not be tied to the actions of those who don't know you.  love the person. refrain from the sin.  love like you would.  tomorrow, and every other day, keep reflecting your love in life. i've been fairing much better where the language is concerned.  throughout my time in peru i think i was able to grow in that way. 

but i also have a lot of catching up to do with you after not writing any letters for like 4 weeks. like basically a month.  i'll....do that tomorrow.  or this weekend.  something like that.  and i will at least be on top of THIS.  spending time thinking about and talking to you is important so yeah.

i know that you've blessed me so much in that i have basically everything.  you kept me safe while i was abroad. you gave me experiences i... didn't really think i could have.  you showed me a glimpse of what _that_ is like.  what one side of being a woman is, i suppose.  i think in the whole thing, i grew a lot.  i have confidence in myself that wasn't there before.  i know how to be strong and independent.  assertiveness is important.  peru was good to me.  you were good to me while i was in peru.  and for that i am nothing but gracious and thankful.

my sanctity

1-12-2014

Well, that didn't work so well.  I kind of totally just dropped off the face of this blog.

Well, that ends now.  Hi, I'm back :3  That's not how it's supposed to be, but I'm picking up the pieces from where I left off and now things have to be stronger than before :O

2 Corinthians 5:21 NIV

21 God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God. i know that you saved me from my own shortcomings and that no matter what i do, i will always have a place to come back to you.  but at the same time, the idea is to not fall and not sin... i kinda can't believe that i am or was even in the situation where i was considering allowing myself to compromise on that promise of mine, but i haven't and i can't :3 it's a strange turn of sentiments. only through you can i become the righteousness of God. my purity depends on you. my sanctity will be stained by another love. Christ is my savior for me. for the sake of my salvation and i best not forget that.  this is...so real. something i had never even considered. keep me pure for you, oh God.