On His Shoulders

august 30, 2015

Cast your cares on the Him.  He is always there for me.

Even when I thought there was no one, at least he is there.

Even when I feel absolutely alone, I can take heart in his company.

The Lord lends me his strength.  On his shoulders, I stand.

The Dark and Twisty Side of Me

on behalf of august 29, 2015

God, you live here and you make me stronger.  There is nothing that can draw me all the way from you.  You are the one who makes it possible for me to smile and continue on.  You make me beautiful even though I am dark and twisted at heart.  You see right through me, and yet you love me.  You see the imperfections and the horrors.  The lies, the things I would do because of sin and evil.  But you love me.

And it breaks me to know I am dark and twisty.  Because you live in me.  And so I, in my daily struggle, must push out the dark and twisty side.  I must choose the light-hearted and righteous.  I must desire you wholeheartedly.  I must reject any tainted thing that threatens to disturb the peace you provide.  I must learn how to and when to say no, because it doesn't glorify you.  I must choose to cloak myself in your goodness and wear it proudly like a brilliant medal.  I must profess you in everything and then this place in which I live--and then it must be less dark and less twisty.

Quiet Your Soul and Center Yourself

on behalf of august 28, 2015

i have so many things wrong with me and my focus is like completely in the wrong place right now.,  my head is spinning and the year is just beginning, but i really need to center on you.  that's the only way to return to a state of relative homeostasis in terms of my relationship with you.  my safe place.  when i call to you because of my brokenness, will you please come?  have mercy on my straying and wandering heart and draw me in?  may the distractions subside and may i be able to simply let it be.  you will provide for me and it's not my job, nor my place, to interfere with every good thing and perfect design.  if i am patient, i will understand in the future.

Let it Sizzle Out

august 27, 2015

go for honesty and instill trust in those around you.  life will be more peaceful if you can do that and build a strong foundation among the people around you.

you really do need to stop talking about people.  it doesn't matter anymore how they're offended you, just move on from it.  that's how you get the trust of everyone around you.  by being good in that way and do not just spread gossip like wildfire.  there will no peace so long as you continue to feed the fire.  eventually, it will sizzle out and everything will be good.  so let it sizzle.  don't just fan the flame on and make more chaos in your life.

peace.  that will definitely be better.  for everything in the ambience.

Faithful

august 26, 2015

the Lord is always with me.  Day or night he's by my side watching and caring for me.  No matter what I'm guarded and protected.  I'm loved.  I don't need anyone or thing for validation.  you are my father in heaven who brings me wonderful blessings.

the devil doesn't stand a chance against you.  i'm all for you and i just pray that everyday you move my heart towards you and that i can just pursue you more and more everyday.  even when i'm promiscuous and stray away in my faith, you draw me back.  You want me to come back and when i do, you embrace me.  Before anyone else, i should always put you and turn to you first.

Grace in the Face of Inadequacy

august 25, 2015

gracious words are sweet and healing.  what does that actually mean?  grace is our receipt of that which is undeserved.  in translation, when we give words that are undeserved, perhaps they work unexpected miracles.  i could certainly be more gracious in how i deal with the crazy cat lady and the professor who tries too hard to get on the students' level and only ends up coming off as a inadequately prepared.

so much saltiness.  *breathe in, breathe out*  release the negativity *

i don't think that actually helps, but if i change my mindset to being more constructive and less... of the sassy critical that i mostly dislike so much (and so hypocritically too) in others-- that would be a good thing.

Because you gave me grace and kindness when I didn't deserve it.  While I didn't deserve it.  I'll never be good enough and measure up enough to deserve it.  And still you love me and shower me with care and attention.  I could do at least a fraction of that and give it back to the world.

Release and Giving In.

august 24, 2015

Lord, I don't think that I've been easily provoked to anger of late, but I know that for sure in the past that was a large block to my relationship with you.  As I move into this next school year, I would just pray that you be with me in holding back and in spending my time productively and for your glory.  Time management.  I have no idea how I'm going to do it this year, and it's only the second day of school.  Somehow, I need to get rid of these things that are killing my sleep so early on.  I need to balance lab work with my own sanity and school work.  You're the only one who can help me.

Or maybe this is about the cat.  I didn't want the cat.  The idea just irked me all around.  But the more I think about it now, the sillier it gets.  The cat doesn't really bother anyone.  She's there, but not really there, and to be honest, neither am I there.  There comes a time when it's just better to give in.  You've blessed me with so much in my life that if now I need to give in a little, it's not a big deal.  Just do it.  Knowing when to give in is part of living.

Convicted

august 23, 2015

The humble, those he crowns in victory.   I should hope to be one of those.  One of those which you can smile upon at the end of the day and crown lovingly.  It's not me, but it's me plus YOU.  with a big emphasis on the you.  There's no way that I can do this alone.  With you though, I think there's a chance.  Thank you for everything.  For making me realize what's wrong.  You've convicted me, and now I can only respond by depending on you more and loving you more.  This is my future, in you only.  May you continue to convict me of my faults and draw me closer to you and your truth and your image.  May I be increasingly  more like you.

When There's No Maybe. Just Stop.

on behalf of august 22, 2015

I was wrong.  I've been causing more trouble than I like to admit.  In the span of the last few months, I've been basically the absolutely worst about keeping secrets secret.  This is a direct reprimand of what I've done.... The thing is, in the future, that can't be me anymore. It's bad to be known as the one who tells everything and spills the secrets.  It's not good form.  It's not Godly.  It doesn't build trust among people.  It kills friendships, breaks those scaffolds--even the strong ones.  There's no maybe on this one.  There's only stopping this nonsense on your own behalf, kid.

Scaffolding Me to Mom

on behalf of august 21, 2015

This message couldn't be clearer, I don't think.  When I try to take the reins in my own life, the results will never be as I hope.  The devil comes in an destroys that which we wish to protect most and hold dear.  But giving it back to the Lord, you're the only one who has any real control, and you remedy the bonds we cherish most dearly.  I'm thankful for my growth and love with mom.  A few months ago, I could never have imagined that the relationship would have improved as much as it has.  I would have thought this impossible, but for you, nothing is impossible.  For you, this was the blink of an eye in which we learned to live and love each other.  The laughs and smiles, I love them.  It would devastate me for it to all break and fall away.  But the thing is, you see, that I saw it break.  For a split second, it seemed like everything was gone.  And then I realized that I didn't make any of it happen.  I didn't do anything.  It was all hanging on a thread you'd spun for us.  You gifted it to us.  But now we had to continue strengthening the scaffold you gave us.  That's not to say that you disappeared from the picture.  Rather, that is to say that you would now take a lead role as the director of this relationship building project while we added the necessary reinforcements.  We will only learn if we try and do it.  But when things fail, you're still there to catch us so long as we know and recognize that you're there.  So long as we let you catch us and then replace us on the scaffold, to continue building until there is some undefined point of completion.  We don't know what the final product looks like exactly, but for that too we must trust you and humble ourselves to your artistic liberties and vision.  We don't have to know.  We just have to lay our pride down and follow.

What Bears the Greatest Fruit

on behalf of august 20, 2015

in my own pride i think that i assumed too much of what my future might look like.  i think i assumed about what was in your plans and in the end that meant that i would not only be disappointed, but i opened a lot of doors to my own pain and hurt.  in yielding to you without wavering though, in opening myself to your complete control and takeover of my life and designs for my future, the humility that makes me realize you know what's best, it bears fruit like no other choice.  its wisdom is that you will lead the way in my life and bring forth the best possible outcomes.  the only thing i need to do is yield my pride to your grace and glory.

Meekness

august 19, 2015

lower yourself, child.  you're not that big a deal.  you're just a kid.  you have dreams, but so do a lot of other people.  rather, if you humble yourself and are meek, the lord will be with you and smile on you for that.  he will bless you and bring you up.  and the key is to be meek and serve others regardless of fickle emotions and feelings.  trust the lord.

may you guide me in my every move.  may i grow to be more like you.  may i bow to you and allow you to lead me.  allow you to shepherd me.  allow you to shape me into the Godly young woman that you hope is my future.

Humble Yourself

on behalf of august 18, 2015

a fool doesn't take advice from anyone.  a fool thinks he can do it all alone.  a fool doesn't realize that you have every best way outlined for us and someone knows the answer so long as we would ask.  a fool doesn't seek you.  a fool is looking in all the wrong places.
on the other hand, the lord is the beginning of all knowledge.  you, God, are the source of everything i could possibly need to know, or hope for.  You know me and my future.  You know what's best for me, and I hope that i run in precisely that direction.  You are the one who saved me from things i had no clue about.  you are all powerful, and if you wanted the mountains to move, they would move.  if you wanted for the next coming to come all you would need to do is make it happen with you thoughts.  without your thoughts even.  before you move your finger or open your mouth to command the world to stop.  it doesn't matter because you are the lord and king of it all and you are my holy Father.  you are the only one who can truly lend to my "best" direction as i press on this path.

thank you for giving me a second chance and showing me that first impressions aren't always real.  thank you for reminding me that other people are cool and not necessarily snooty.  thank you for showing me that i was wrong.  thank you for humbling me.  thank you for an incredible past three/four weeks.  thank you for teaching me about people.  thank you for teaching me how to handle people when they're too much to handle.  thank you for the grace and mercy you show me everyday.

Teach Me

august 17, 2015

under God's watch I take heart and have hope for the future.  i still don't know what's up, but i'm working towards something.  first and foremost, i have the Lord's will to work towards.  i have the ways of the heart as he guides me.  i must take care not to be led astray by tempting sins that tangle.  lord, i so want to give this into your hands. i'm crying out to you because there is something that i want.  something i want pretty badly.  and i have no real way of getting it or knowing even if i'm headed in the right direction.  in terms of career development, i feel like it can be pretty straight forward.... this though.  real people?  i can't read or figure it out fast enough and you are the only compass i have.  therefore, i lay my pride at your feet and call out for your wisdom and direction.

When I Don't Know

on behalf of august 16, 2015

may God be my shepherd day in and day out.  i don't know what i'm doing in life and it's scary.  i could be hoping for things that are far away and will never happen.  i could be throwing my heart into the wind.  i could be dooming myself to a future of unreasonable sadness and pain.  but as long as i walk according to your laws and pursue you wholeheartedly...maybe that wont quite be the case.  i mean, i know you will always protect me. from the most extreme of dangers i am guarded.  and if i fall down some dark path of despair, i know i can turn around and you will be right there as you have been all along.  you will be there and you will wonder why i didn't turn around sooner but be glad that i did.  you delight in me especially as i pursue your heart.  you delight in me especially as i read your word and attempt to draw near to you.
i don't know what's going to happen but it's ok.
i'm glad to be yours.  i'm glad that today's experiments blew him out of the water.  there's a lot of opportunity out there.  regardless of the bumps and bruises along the way.  i'm make it through.  with you, i'll make it through.

God First.

august 15, 2015

The Lord comes first.  first and foremost before anyone or anything else.  If I can keep that in mind always, then I have a shot.  When the Lord is put first, he then puts his children first and reveals to them glory in the world that they'd never imagined possible.  For the glory he might unleash and cultivate on this earth before his coming and finally the establishment of his new kingdom, everything is worth it.   I only hope that I can be half good enough.  I will never make it, but I can move in the Lord's direction and I think that matters all the more.

Today I'm thankful for my family.  The good times.  The laughter.  Maybe we can make the fighting go away.  With God, anything is possible.  I'm thankful for the lightness in my heart, the giggles flowing freely from my soul, the silly gloriousness of it all.

People.

august 14, 2015

from God we who follow his ways will receive a reward.  a heavenly gift that is better than anything imaginable.  i wouldn't be able to imagine myself here where i am today.  five years ago, i would have had no clue.  and in the same way, i have no clue what's in store even five years from now.  i have aspirations, to be sure.  but in professional realms.  five years from now.  i'll be 24.  that's insane.  there are things that i think of and that i want.  but i don't know how to get there or what i'm responsible for making happen or what quite is the opportunity that you have set before me.

there is something on my mind.  and now, all i can do is pray to you about it.  and to thank you every day for the things that you have given me.  this would be as glorious of a platform as any for doing that.  you make my life bright and you bring me out of my miseries.  you bring joy when i didn't think there was any to be had.

the retreat was blessed.  today, i felt no pain from the headache that hounded me wednesday night.  today, i got his phone number.  today, i contemplated what i wanted to do next.  today, i am surrendering myself to you again.  today, i certainly pray for a miracle if that is your will.

as i sit here thinking right now. i realize this.  i haven't put that part of my life into your hands.  i really haven't prayed as i should.  i have been counting on myself to make things happen.  i haven't unloaded to you and allowed you to work freely and fully in my life's personal relationships.  but now i'm letting go.  i don't know what that actually means in terms of what i end up doing or leaving up to you and your glory.  but i do know that means fretting about it in a different way and not asking merely friends for advice.  it means this:  coming running to you because i have no idea what i'm doing or how this really works when disciples want it to bring you glory.  so i lay this all down at your feet and cry out to you.

people.

when you have things, professional things--its great, but that's not all.  people.  that's what is missing

Yours

august 13, 2015

in everything walk according to the path of the lord.  do what is good, what is righteous, what is upright, and what you know pleases the lord your god.  may every movement been a praise to the lord and sing sweetly.  may every word be vibrant and fragrant.  i don't want anything i do to be a turn away from you.  regardless of the fairly visceral feelings i have, the tendencies, the desires, may you just continue to be my drive and propel me in your direction, not the one i have selfishly set for myself. we go on your time, not mine.

Just You Wait and See

on behalf of august 12, 2015

we can keep his commands and be as he was and live a life straight up like christ.  that's what we should be doing.  the thing is that the lord's love is with his children and those who revere and respect him.  the bigger question now though for me is where that love goes after the fact.  what about love in the world on earth.  my heart breaks for waiting and it saddens me, to be honest.  but he has a plan for you.  just you wait and see.

Significant Strides for Good and God

on behalf of august 11, 2015

who is going to harm you if you are eager to do good.  that speaks to friendships and professional relationships, i think.  it also speaks to the goals and role i hope to play in controlling the future of my own life moving forward.  i would like very much to focus on personal relationships more and to build the friendships that i may have been neglecting horribly for the past year in lieu of professional and career oriented gains which may or may not have been as effective as  i previously hoped.  if i am eager to do good and share the word and to follow my heart as you have placed on my mind and heart though, perhaps there is hope for the fulfillment of such as ambition.  maybe i can actually do the good and work.  maybe i can make significant strides in this area which i sometimes feel so vastly incompetent.

Eliminating Saltiness

on behalf of august 10, 2015

be loving towards each other just as God is towards us.  in the context of the last three days, some of the most incredible days of my life, i would just like to think about the bitterness i have towards the comments on the retreat.  the things that were criticized and the possibility that the retreat talent show may be censored in the future.  that.... breaks my heart and regardless in my participation or not in more vulgar and possibly disconcerting activities,  i ought to pass it off and keep an open mind for the future and what role our director may play.  i can't say that i will be reaching out to her immediately when i have questions.  i think others who have been in the program's leadership longer may merit the receipt of those questions.  but at least i can try not to remain salty.  it's not her fault.  we were crazy and possibly out of control.  and that's besides the point of what i would like to take home from the retreat.

Your Way

on behalf of august 9, 2015

there is nothing that i have done that is worthy of your love and mercy and grace.  in fact, nearly all things i do, i feel like it's all tainted somehow by my inherently sinful nature.  i can't believe that i am this way and yet you love me.  and not only that, but you continue to bless me in life regardless of my own failures or shortcomings.  before the beginning of time you had a plan in mind for me.  and the only thing left is for me to fulfill that plan.  for that i can't wait.  you did it and not me.  to you be all glory.  i can only pray that you continue to show me my path.

His Special Possession

on behalf of august 7, 2015

i am the lord's special possession.   he will not let me be harmed and i will always have him as my strength.  allow the lord to guard your heart, child.  guard your heart and may his strength be greater than any obstacle or temptation with threatens the security which you hold in him.  he is your special salvation and loves you dearly.  you can wait.  for him, you have eternity.  for the lord, nothing is impossible and his every promise will be fulfilled.  this is greater and more beautiful than anything.  do not rush and betray your heart lightly.  hold tight and stand strong until one who too treats you as God's special possession comes along.  you will always be the lord's.  a bride waiting lovely as ever for her groom, the king of kings.  if not another, your great king will rescue you, and you can be sure that even if there is another, your lord will still come back to sweep you off your feet.  more so than any other he will redeem you.  he is THE one while another may simply be one.

Shout It from the Mountain Tops

august 8, 2015

the Lord is my savior, i shall not want.  respectfully speak the truth and let the whole world know who you belong to.  always be ready to talk to others about the lord.  but do not shove the lord in the face of others.  it isn't your job to convert people.  it is your job to be a living testimony and to share with them the glory of the lord your god who loves you and gifts you with all kinds of blessings.  this is what you should do.  live your life differently and with hope unlike any that they have ever seen, and in this way, you ought to showcase your king and savior.

What to Be

on behalf of august 6, 2015

be better.  be christ like even when those around you arent.  you ought to set your sights on things above and glorious.  be an example.  be good.  know that you are beautifully and wonderfully made and live as such. be holy in everything that you do and touch.  and when you fail, because you certainly will, do not lose hope.  instead, turn to the one and only who can be of service to you and bring you out from the chains.  and when you succeed too, attribute it to the only one who could have turned a wretch like you into something so much better than that.  this is how you ought to be.

Forgive and Forget. How?

on behalf of august 4, 2015

if we love one another then in his love we are made complete and only in this way are we complete and made gloriously beautiful in his name and image. love and forgive sins. dont hold it against people.... if you truly have forgiven and forgotten then live as such,  in this case, you may have forgiven to some degree but you really have yet to forget. i would even go as far as to say you may not have truly forgiven.  that was a lot to take. you're out of it now, but it's easy to be ensnared again.  here's what i think.  you've thought about it and it would be ridiculously stupid to fall again into the trap of a snare but ....what does forget really entail? you should ask someone who would know better.

As a Child

august 5, 2015

just as the lord walks in love, learn to do so as well. that is the strength of bringing you to the table.  sharing you with others and the glory that you embody.  people don't always realize that you're serious about things but also love for us to have fun.  the definition of fun is just different than that of most people's in the world.

in following God's example, if i can be my childlike self then in purity i hope to also grow as a disciple.

Made

on behalf of august 3, 2015

the Lord makes us good in what we do.  He completes us and we become something beautiful and glorious.  we become instruments of yours.  we become everything that we would otherwise be unable to achieve.

through him our talents are made full.

like you

august 2, 2015

to know this yields a sweet sweet sound, for if i am being continuously transformed into one that is more like you, i have hope of being one day... a true image of the beautiful glory and truth which you embody.  that's the dream.  to be like you.

take me and make me ever more like you.

Gift of Life

on behalf of august 1, 2015

you are the reason that i am who i am today.  it is all thanks to you that i have a future.  that i can become something.  that i can become someone worthy of living in your name.  my obligation is to then shine bright on your behalf.  of all things that i know to be in some way wrong and to be tempting, to get rid of them in my life.  to commit to purity to you.  to commit to veracity in being salt and light in this world.

grace is that which we do not deserve and receive anyways.

i was wrong in what i picked over you.... and yet you forgive me and gift me with life time and time again.  today i have to make a decision to make that gift of life worth it and clear.