For People Everywhere

9-30-2014

I urge, then, first of all, that petitions, prayers, intercession and thanksgiving be made for all people— for kings and all those in authority, that we may live peaceful and quiet lives in all godliness and holiness. (1 Timothy 2:1, 2 NIV)

we ought to pray for authority figures and for people everywhere. in particular, this is that they may lead us to peace, godliness, and holiness.

all those in positions of power and authority have been placed there by the design of God in some way and regardless of our agreement or disagreement with their methodology, it should be said that there's a reason.

in light of that reason, I need to focus on praying again everyday when I wake up and when I go to sleep. it's something that I've let fall by the way side but it's also a habit I would really like to make and so I will need to actively work on it and take that time also to pray for this nation, its leadership, its people, and other abroad.

Before I Knew It

9-29-2014

“This is what the Lord says, he who made the earth, the Lord who formed it and established it—the Lord is his name: ‘Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.’ (Jeremiah 33:2, 3 NIV)

the lord is the creator of all things and he made everything, in his own name and in his image, which is in light of his spirit and heart. cry out to him for help and he will tell you great things you don't know because he knows you even better than you know yourself and he CAN. he is powerful enough and mindful enough to be all those things to you and fill and give you what you do not even yet know that you want or need.

I didn't know that I would need Erik's name or number but I did and the opportunity, my oh my. drop his name and I'm almost five times over sure that it'll get me further than Lena's ever would have. I don't know what demographics Ginny falls into but whatever they are I'm sure she can still appreciate awesomeness. not to mention kindness and aesthetics. I didn't know u was in need but it turns out that I think I most likely was. and God fulfilled that need prior to my even asking. that's how good and great he is.

I don't want to be overly hopeful a to what may come of this connection but I'm hoping and trusting in you. All things to you and for your glory. 

Speak, Lord. I'm Listening.

on behalf of 9-28-2014

Hosea 4:6  NIV

6 my people are destroyed from lack of knowledge. “Because you have rejected knowledge, I also reject you as my priests; because you have ignored the law of your God, I also will ignore your children.

they don't know but it's because they choose not to listen and read from your instructions and words. and for that reason, God will pass them over for not listening and their children well.

so you, open your ears because you know that he's telling you to close your mouth and stop that profane language which penetrates the heart and soul in a most inglorious way. it's a bad reflection of the spirit which He has made of us in his own image and it's sacrilegious. stop. you don't have to and shouldn't and as it turns out I don't think other people even notice it the way you are perceiving it. the profanity can die away without impacting your image. it can and should and now it will.

because I'm listening God.

God's Housing Arrangement

on behalf of 9-27-2014

Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies. (1 Corinthians 6:19, 20 NIV)

the holy spirit lives inside of me and I have an obligation to maintain a healthy place of residence through both my physical actions in terms of health but also in terms of abstract health where my spirit is concerned. tomorrow I will practice continued dependence on you. nothing until post navs bible study because you sustain me--not food. there's my touch of concrete action. not to mention that I didn't have any post dinner superbly late snacks? i ate the pizza..... but ... gaaah XP 

anyways, Christ died on the cross and in this way paid the price for my inadequacies, but at the same time, I can just keep plowing forward thoughtlessly because I'm saved. that's wrong.

one other step back in the right direction would be to start working out again this week. I took a one week break minimum and I would dare to say that it may have approached two weeks even. unacceptable. and paired with those terrible eating habits? absolutely unacceptable. not good for the physical body or my mental body which is so emotionally tied to my state of physical appearance.

well. new week. new habits. renewed effort. new approach. body over sleep again... go team. father god. as I am communicating with you daily or quasi daily, I would just ask for growth in you as I hopefully am nearing you. in Christs name I pray, amen.

A Characterization of Love

on behalf of 9-26-2014

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. (1 Corinthians 13:4-6 NIV)

love is patient and gives people time to respond and gives oneself time. love doesn't brag to others and keeps it on the down low because the riches to be received from heaven are infinitely greater than any reason for which I might want to talk about whatever's currently going on. love doesn't hold grudges and it is patient enough to stay calm.

to live lovingly I will somehow in the next few days or something make time to apologize to mom and such and be kind and be a model of perfection. and figure out a way to most harmoniously get my passport and be off for Mexico...

stop and just live wholly for God. no selfish recognition for yourself!!

When Seeing is Believing

on behalf of 9-25-2014

Daniel 4:2-3  NIV

2 It is my pleasure to tell you about the miraculous signs and wonders that the Most High God has performed for me. 3 How great are his signs.

I'm lucky to have this opportunity to be able to share about the wondrous love which God showers upon me and to be blessed with such knowledge and experience of his power in an essentially firsthand manner. he is higher than anyone else and fantastically awesome.

love them despite their hostility and love them despite hard feelings or disregard for me. apologize for my own callousness. love love love them. more than anything else you should love.

Be This

9-23-2014

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. (Colossians 3:12 NIV)

as a light, as a reflection of God, be compassionate, be kind, be humble, gentle and patient. you who are loved by the lord.

I haven't been kind compassionate humble gentle or patient in regards to that friction. I've been just about the opposite. friction-making, rough, arrogant, callous, and wrong. 

lord again I just ask for your spirit to work in my life as I desperately seek to make amends for the wrong I've done. I've been so stupid and I just hope that I can convey even a fraction of my regret for my words said too quickly and that with your spirit I hold my tongue much better and to the nth degree.

Take Heart

on behalf of 9-22-2014

35 So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. 36 You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. (Hebrews 10:35-36 NIV)

in everything you do, know that God has plans for you and that they WILL be fulfilled--so be confident in life and as a light. your confidence will be rewarded and you should keep trying and persevere so when you have carried out the plans and desires of God, you will receive what he has promised--his gift to you.

I was much too worried about the MIS 111 exam. I should have given it legitimately into your hands and rid myself of the situation. when I trust you I should be wholehearted and I un-breaking and actually forget the problem. while somehow still holding on to the elements I need to control and work at, because God doesn't just give things for free.

what do I need to do? I have an obligation to study everyday and take care of my grades before anything else. I also need to care for tho body--a temple for your holy spirit. 

today right when I get back to arbol though I'll be writing an extensive and detailed letter to you. and then the studies will commence.

An Impasse: the Valley of the Shadow of Death

on behalf of 9-21-2014

Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego replied to him, “King Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand. But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.” (Daniel 3:16-18 NIV)

regardless of whether or not the Lord delivered them from their struggles, they had faith and were determined to do that which they knew God desired for them.

on that note, it is regardless of the outcome that I should love and follow the Lord my God. even if things dont work out perfectly as a result of that path. he is there watching and guarding me inhospitable own special way. I need not be afraid. for the Lord is my God and even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death he will stay with me.

Known

on behalf of 9-24-2014

Known

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. (Psalm 139:13, 14 NIV)

I'm just the way you wanted me to be. you made me. you know every stitch in my body. every fiber of my being is familiar to you. you are so incredible and magnificent and you actually bothered to put me together yourself. I am fearful for awe of your power and honor you. everything you do is beautiful. you make all things work together for my good. 

I don't need to worry or anything. things were sketchy and screwy for me this morning but then I kinda pulled myself together and the day looked up. I can laugh and have joy in the rough spots because you are there for me and prevent things from going TOO terribly wrong. it's just bad enough to remind me of what precautionary steps I ought to take but not bad enough to screw me over. honestly, thank you for teaching me, lord. I'm ready to learn. 

Just Ask

Jeremiah 33:3 NIV

3 ‘Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.’ god will answer my supplications and help me by answering questions that I did not even know I had. I needed help for adjusting my work load and for rest and I didn't even know it. I was trying to do WAY too much this past weekend and it was ridiculous and just plain didn't work. I would almost dare to say that it was a good thing for me to miss my orientation at the shelter on Saturday because that way I got the best nap of my life and slept a little. I don't sleep much. could it be that you were putting sleep over other things for at least a little bit in my life I think sometimes I just need to ask. that is frequently the case in real life and all I need to do it ask you to come and strengthen me in whatever which way. how come I haven't been doing that in my spiritual life? it's just as important and conceivably more so. tomorrow, if ever you need something--aHoly bible!!!! instead of turning first to peers, ask YOU for help. God, I was callous and made a terrible blunder in writing before I thought at all and now I've offended people who I care about. I would just ask that you speak through me when I approach them tomorow and that you open their hearts to my sincerest apologies. thank you.

He Knows

Jeremiah 29:11 NIV

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord , “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. this was perfect. it was exactly the right verse for me today an really for this past week. the perfect reminder of what I need to focus on. the fact that you already have a plan for me!! God knows the plans that he has for me and what he will do to give me hope and a future. I don't need to worry about it and can leave it all up to him.

Above the Fray

9-17-2014

make up for Wednesday

For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. (Hebrews 4:15 NIV)

jesus was tested exactly like us and came down to earth as a man. he completely understands the struggles that we go through but even though he shares empathy for us, he--unlike us--did not fall to temptation. he empathizes but stands high above the fray.

it's easy to fall to pride. where my profane language was bothersome before, now it's the plague of pride. 

no Facebook posts about what you've done or seen today. don't talk about it when asked. the only thing you can talk about for today is your HNRS 204 class.  and maybe brag about not having class until 12:30pm today. don't even mention your flinn mentor. everything is extra. unnecessary for other ears. 

no pride. just ride--go with the flow on the slow side. for humility and for sharing with You, Lord to be enough, for this I do pray.

As Straight as an Arrow

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; 

I will guide you with My eye. (Psalm 32:8)

God will show me where to go and how to do it, it seems. furthermore he is so powerful that he can guide me with just his eye and to be honest MY job is to truly listen look and feel for his desires for me. 

there should not be any question about what to do as a result of the clarity that arises from the holy glory and singleness the  nature and character of there Lord. he doesn't flip flop and his path is as straight as an arrow.

I have two clear jobs with the coming weekend: write letters to you and catch up with bible transcriptions. I should hope that I can make it up reasonably and henceforth be able to keep up with God. prioritizing you, Lord, over whatever other crap that's going on in life... it's a necessary thing--you are the light and the source of my life and spirit and without you. it's just emptiness for nothing.

I amid straight my by own inadequacy--my own failure to keep pace so far. but it's going to going to change and I WILL make it work out. 

father god, thank you so much for everything that you've done for me. your blessings are unbundling and I can't even contain myself for the sale of your goodness. I'm just blown away and it's caused me to foolishly wish to exclaim my blessing but you teach me humility and in that line I should hope that I can learn to keep my mouth shut. shhh. tell Lydia, but others--not necessarily. she can and should be your person!!!! 

I'm not sure how this revelation came about. how in spite of the peaks and pits "exercise" or how, in spite of rose/thorn/buds, I manage to end up feeling this way--disgusted and ashamed of myself, wanting to retract those proud words. they were proud, but they were also expressions sheerly out of the joy of my heart. and that's the spot between a rock and a hard place. I want to share, but I think that deep down inside there's also this element of wanting to show people what I have done and what I'm able to do and the only remedies are to eliminate that feeling from the expression or to completely omit the expression. I would venture so far as to saying that my best option is eradicating the arrogance ALONG with any expression just to be sure. like a preemptive lobotomy to my pride of sorts.

may you be with me in the pursuit of your heart.

death for the evildoer

9-15-14

For Christ also suffered once for sins, the righteous for the unrighteous, to bring you to God. He was put to death in the body but made alive in the Spirit. (1 Peter 3:18 NIV)

Jesus died for our sinful actions though he did nothing wrong but despite that he was made alive in spirit and that matters so much more. 

I should act like he died for my sins. ad sin should be dead to me. tomorrow, treat mom with more respect on the phone. no profanity. it went away but it's back but it's gonna stay away with your power God. this is imperative.

knowledge before knowing

9-16-14
In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. (Romans 8:26 NIV)

even if we don't know what we most need for ourselves, God knows us soberllbthat he knows on our behalf and helps us by moving us in the direction of that which we most need regardless of if we know we need that.

God is just that incredible and I don't ever need to worry about anything. peace. have the peace that he's bestowed upon you. don't be afraid of what life had to offer because your portion will be enough--according to his designs everything will work out. 

last night I had a terrifying dream--in it I was required to do soooo much work before I would get advising. or something like that. basically it was a suuupper duper scary thing in the nebulous field of academics. it made me blanche and I'm not the type easily spooked by academic things. I think that more than anything that shows my issue--failing to internally recognize that you have the drivers seat and it's okay for me to just cruise.

my job is to stop worrying now and to manage my time according to what HE says is important. not my own decisions. may the lord guide me and my heart such that I have no fear because that's the biggest road block of my life right now.  

Filled

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. (Romans 15:!3 NIV)

God can fill me with all the joy and peace that I need so long as I trust that it can and will come from him such that I am able to overflow and have perfect contentment in him--in the Holy Spirit.

I have this terrible anxiety. when all I really want to do is just trust in you and you ep land for me. the quiz irritates me because I could have gotten an A for sure except that I was semi distracted by the movie fault in our stars and that was so stupid of me-- I could have just waited til tonight to do the quiz... idk I don't think I'm necessarily making the best decisions and it's eating at me.

but you simultaneously continue to open doors that encourage me... and do I will keep trusting and even though I'm dreadfully behind I WILL make an effort to go back and catch up... Monday night!!! after/during bible study... I love you father. thank you for being my God. my awesome holy god. I will pray for peace in you. and be satisfied with the portion you've given me. with you, no difficulty is too great to overcome.

for your glory

Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. (Galatians 6:8 NIV)

whoever only does things to make themselves happy here on earth will only get things here. but whoever does things for the glory of god with receive eternal life in return!

my job is to live for you. regardless of what makes me happy I have an obligation and I have a heart to live for you. this week I've been serving myself and other things too much. instead I really need to catch up on a record of blessings and transcriptions of your word. I ought to make it happen every night before I eat dinner. because dinner is a must. and so I will... and am determined to make it happen because you love me and I want you and want to want you more and love you enough to do that. to be legitimately faithful!

what am I doing to please myself right now... I would say its what I just pointed out. I have been more focused on socializing or even studying or exercising than on your word :O my daily devotionals are alright but the other elements which i kept up with so well before ... missing >:| so to please and glorify you more that is the change that I'm about to focus on in my life--will you help me father in achieving thi

Prowess Beyond Power

Isaiah 41:10 NIV

10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. I need not fear because God is with me as my almighty father and he will help me with his powerful holiness. no joke that next week's exams scare me to death. but God is there for me. it's my job to stand strong and actually put in the effort, but after that, he is there for me and I need not worry. just focus, lindsey, and he will take care of you and help you fulfill his amazing designs. like you don't even have any clue of the incredible plans he's got in mind.  it's going to be okay. my job--don't get distracted. dont randomly Skype people until Tuesday and then you'll be temporarily excused. for one day. but right now you can't take any risks except for studying and a leap of faith in the prowess of God to make something beautiful out of you. his power goes beyond anything you've seen even yet. be amazed.

commendable behavior

For it is not the one who commends himself who is approved, but the one whom the Lord commends. (2 Corinthians 10:18 NIV)

God blesses those who don't necessarily take the recognition for themselves but whom he sees as having done his good will without purposefully seeking acknowledgment or riches in the earthly sense. 

My job is to therefore work for his Glory conservatively and without flaunting my deeds. It's not necessary for me to tell my friends about the things I'm doing at UMC... 

I don't care about other peoples recognition. Gods praise of my behavior and his approval of my actions matters do much more. all glory to God. in order to glorify him today, I will be sure to conduct myself most appropriately at chemistry lab and do my best to keep group harmony. furthermore, I will refrain from judging my partners for their knowledge or lack therefore of.  I will just do my best to lead them and to contribute to group productivity and general learning. this will be for your glory--I will do it for you and not for myself or my grade. and with good intentions I hope that you will just give me that heart to love my group members and to serve them and teach them as we go. 

The Difference Between Rescue and Protection

Let those who love the Lord hate evil, for he guards the lives of his faithful ones and delivers them from the hand of the wicked. (Psalm 97:10 NIV)

whoever loves the lord should hate evil because God protects his faithful disciples and rescues them from the wicked.

it's important, I would say, to understand that God doesnt necessarily shield us completely from contact or suffering by the hands of the wicked. but rather, he saves and brings us out from those difficult times. he uses those difficult times to grow us in our faith and invoke a reliance on him. but he doesn't cause those obstacles to arise and tempt stumbling or struggle. but when struggle arises, he simply maximizes the beneficial potential of an otherwise unfortunate roadblock. 

do I hate evil enough? I must say... that I don't. a stronger reaction in defense of my beliefs is clearly required. it's not good enough to take the side of caution in order to avoid causing friction. on fact, avoiding friction is probably the worst thing possible. it's much better to make your name known strongly albeit politely--and to be sure my position and your truth are clear in the matter. next time, he spouts liberal ridiculousness I know how to respond....

you are INCREDIBLE

The Lord appeared to us in the past, saying: “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness. (Jeremiah 31:3 NIV)

the lord told them that he loved them unconditionally and eternally--that his compassion for them was beyond measure and that they were his and he was theirs.

you, father God, are INCREDIBLE. there's a lot of comfort in knowing that. sometimes I just need a really great hug. and to be honest, I do get great hugs on occasion. but it's about more than that. it's about realizing that despite my broken terribleness that you love me. it blows my mind.

before last week I totally didnt realize the degree to which I sucked as a person. like I suck A TON. I'm so incredibly bad to the core. but you are there for me and with you, I can use your strength to overwrite that core self. that body dies and I claim my new one--with the likeness and reflection of your light. 

in light of your love, I have an obligation to share and reciprocate appropriately. so I'm going to communion tomorrow morning at church even though id love to sleep in. and I'm going to love mom wholeheartedly and make her a legitimately nice card. go squad!

Shed it. Shed the weight.

belated friday morning post (9/5/14)

“ ‘Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against anyone among your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the Lord. (Leviticus 19:18 NIV)

do not hold grudges against other people and love them regardless of what they've done to you. hope for the best in them. do as the lord would and change their lives with love?

it actually hasn't been too rough of a week and the work load is manageable.

speaking of grudges, for the longest time I've held bitter feelings against mom and dad for standing against me on Mexico and Peru. but I need to stop and just talk to them about the whole situation. and trust you to guide me through these weeks and days. make amends with mom.

Seeing

It is written: “ ‘As surely as I live,’ says the Lord, ‘every knee will bow before me; every tongue will acknowledge God.’ ” (Romans 14:11 NIV)

everyone will--in his or her own time--come to recognize that God is king of all kings and our triumphant redeemer on earth. this will happen for people of all languages and yet will see that God is who he is. period. end of story. no explanation necessary really beyond truly seeing him.

im working on bowing more and using my tongue to praise God. whatever His will for me, favorable or not, I need to always remember that his designs are the absolute best. 

in light of that, right now my primary struggle is in... probably time management. to keep up with records of daily blessings. I slacked off after the labor day weekend and not having the slips with me x3 and even with the slips i haven't been exactly the best at keeping that particular record. I've done better on transcriptions and daily devotional time... I like writing to you every day God and spending some quiet time considering your plans for me. and how to go about my day in a manner extremely conscious of that. thank you for helping me be more faithful to you. that's something very important. 

just in everything today and honestly everyday I would ask that you strengthen my faith and obedience. may I be less prone to brush you off until the next day and may I truly differentiate myself from those who've yet to find you. specifically, perhaps, I can make a greater effort to explore churches. I'd resigned myself to navigators and I liked it enough but I really should try and hit more at least once. tonight ill go to the XA (chi alpha) women's bible study just to see if it's right for me. and then.... I feel like I SHOULD try vineyard at least once? 

gah. like bible study is so different from service but both are important but sometimes a good bible study doesn't equate to good services :PP and this is my FAITH at stake. it's not to be taken lightly for sure.

thank you for this day, lord. the days only just begun but already you've blessed me so muchhhh. 

be still, child. everything will be okay.

psalm 46:10

10He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.”

praise to the Lord for being my God. he IS. he is worthy of praise among all peoples and creatures and anything and everything that he created is a declaration of his grandeur.

"be still and know that I am God."

be still and know that you will be okay and that the mini terrors of the weekend are behind you and gone and you can merely focus on him and the new day and glorifying him in that new day. fear not, for God is with you.

Through Me

hebrews 12:14

14Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord.

i should make every attempt to coexist with all and to be like God, because without holiness, no one will be able to see God through me. i am the light that they see. or the... darkness that's just like them.

i must be more like you, father.

in the past day, ive made a huge effort to be better and i didnt even mention the passport all day--in the end, mom actually gave it to me. oh my gosh. i had dinner with mom and dad and lydia and like.... wow. i was able to get along with them much better. i think if i can do that and be more calm, be more holy and like you, then possibly i can repair the past damage. and make my filial relationships stronger. that is my hope. and my goal for the new day.

thank you for teaching me, lord.

Tacit Pressures That Don't Exist

You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. (Isaiah 26:3 NIV)

by trusting in God, you will find peace and steadfastness. you can trust in him and he will not lead you astray.

in this time, I'm seeing a vast majority of my peers quiver under the pressure and fears of life and they seem very... explicitly uncertain about the direction that they're going in. they've changed their minds a million times and no longer want the things that they thought they did or that drove them to achieve way back when or they're having frenzies regarding the... alleged capacity of weed/THC crystals to increase their creativity and facilitate truly uninhibited musings regarding the direction of their lives. its the strangest thing, I must say and I don't pretend to understand it at all. 

but for me--you make me steadfast in you and because of you I have no fear. you make the world go round and you make me happy and you are there when I'm sad and with you by my side, lifting me up, I know that anything and everything is absolutely 100% possible. there are no limits to your glory. and that's that. 

demonstrating my trust and expressing that faith and staying away from weed is honestly critical. I don't need that I don't want that I am not like that. in other words though, I also must be aware of alcoholic use. I don't wanna be that either. but it seems like its so much harder to stand against? idk. I made the conscious decision not to drink at parties but the one time I'm confused about is china. i don't know. but I kinda don't wanna in china anyways... I got an out though--they need a sober driver. I think I'll take that. and find peace in you to be content and firm in that decision. may it go that way.

Oh, Happiness

psalm 119:143
143Trouble and distress have come upon me,
but your commands give me delight.

stormy winds won't tear me down because i have you, God.

an epiphany. a revelation. wow. its so.... crystal clear now. 

this morning i spent like several hours of my life trying to understand and i got part way through, but i didnt get ALL the way through. now i see it.

and it makes me happy to know that i'm a little bit closer to you.

despite all the pain and emotional tiredness. for you anything is worth it, i would say.

if it means being closer to you.

take delight in God and celebrate and smile and be happy.

forget about the mistakes and just make sure you dont make that mistake again.

take precautions against that blunder--and against similar blunders.

love God and love every moment praising his name.

give mom another hug for all that she does and share your joy.

oh, happiness.
this understanding is too real.

i
am
blown
away.
and
smiling
ear
              to        
                             ear.
even though i really shouldnt be
because i kinda just flipped and
sucked at something. but i know
i can and WILL be fixing it in
the future. so its alright.

because
GOD
SAYS
SO.
AND HE
LOVES
ME.

Stormy Winds

psalm 27:7

7Hear my voice when I call, Lord;
be merciful to me and answer me.

wow. thats my exact prayer right now.

God, I beg that you hear me when i call out and cry your name right now. and i desperately seek an answer because i feel like my life is slowly falling apart and i dont know what i am anymore or if the plan i thought you had designed for me still stands or if there are entirely new adventures and directions that you wish for me to have. but if new things are in sight, i really hope that you let me know so i can go and do those things to the best of my ability very soon and for your glory.

God, i dont deserve your mercy at all. ive been terrible and should die in a pit. all alone. and grace? pfft. im a sinner. an awful filthy sinner who should flee from your presence in shame. and yet for some reason im standing here. its mindblowing how just a weekend can change everything. 

i thought i was doing well and glorifying you for too long. how long? at least a few weeks i thought i had been growing in you and following your word, but now that i'm here... i can see how badly ive been mistaken. it takes broken-ness in order to realize how desperately i need you, perhaps. somehow i was so incredibly stupid to think that i didnt really have that much to pray for forgive for. i thought i had been pretty good and that growing more was my only flaw. FOOLISH child.

well now everythings been turned inside out upside down and i can see my own palpable pain and the essential nature of my lifeline in God. 

i'm raw. emotionally drained from uncertainty and fear. fear like ive never known it. if she is pharaoh and i am israel--the only thing remaining is to hear the verdict. do you plan to let me go? or is pharaoh's heart to remain hardened against my departure?

but oh, you fool. you've grown more through this pain than you could have ever in peace.

and oh, i think you might have even asked for it. last tuesday. at bible study, you specifically asked God for a stormy climate of growth.... oh my gosh... now i remember. and... boy oh boy did he give you a storm to grow in. 

if anything, You have been merciful and given me exactly what i asked for--even if it was foolish of me. but you never give us more than we can handle. and you always take care of us. i will be consoled by that knowledge because regardless of the pain i've endured this weekend, its brought me closer to You and i think i understand a little bit more. i still have so much to go, but now i actually know some degree of pain instead of just theorizing about it.... and even though my grades _could_ have hurt, you protected me just enough to learn but not suffer quite yet. 

wow, God. Father, you've actually.... given me quite the gift.

Spiritual Sustenance

psalm 55:22

22Cast your cares on the Lord
and he will sustain you;
he will never let
the righteous be shaken.

rely on God to be your portion and he will take care of you until the very end; you shall have nothing to fear.

im so scared right now. i want to go to mexico. to be part of the flying samaritans. to be part of vive peru. and eventually i want to be a part of medecins san frontieres. but if i cant even take those first steps and mom says no--in essence, if You say no--then i have not a singular clue in the world what you would like for me to do with my life. how would you like me to serve you if not in that way? or do you want me to just wait? i have zero clue and its scary as heck. because normally i have all these plans and im certain. but if you say no, then my certainty is gone because i have to wait for the next instructions from you before i can proceed. man thats frightening.

and so this verse is particularly heartening in my time of alleged impossibility.

not only that but i just realized that i missed an online quiz. 10 pts off and the semester just started....
but God will make everything okay... and i have 10 quizzes--the professor only counts the top 9 scores. so i have one freebie. plus theres 980 total pts in a semester and i can miss 98 pts and still get an A. i'll be okay. i dont need to hyperventilate... just focus more, and trust in the Lord. i set a weekly reminder on my calendar now.. i will never ever forget again >:| for that im determined.