How long?

for he guards the course of the just and protects the way of his faithful ones.
Proverbs 2:8 NIV

Why is it so easy to do wrong and so hard to do right? It is easy for me to decide to fall into sin and just give up because resistance is difficult and feels less satisfying. You, Lord, always pick the harder of two paths. It torments me to have this decision and everyday I struggle with what I am doing. 

Some days are easier than others and I have a less difficult/ time, I would say. No day is easy.

How long will this last? How long will it be like this? There is no answer to that and it is impossible to know. <Sigh>

In the meantime, I can only hope that circumstance placed by you saves me...

Temptation

Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good Spirit lead me on level ground.
Psalm 143:10

I need your help right now. I definitely can't do this on my own. The temptation is too great. I love it. I hate it. I want it. I cannot have it. I read your word, and I am renewed in my strength. I think about your love and the sin that we must abstain from and I am renewed. I think about your Grace and how we must not persist in our sins and I am renewed.

But then, I spend some time with him and I melt and become lost in him charm. In his words. In his voice. In his eyes. And I can only think about how good it feels to be wanted and how much I want to reciprocate.

I pray that you would continue to bring me your strength and sustain me in this trial. I am weak. But through you, I can be strong enough to resist, because you are strong enough.

I never thought that this temptation would be so difficult, but it is. It cuts to my core and it threatens to upset my relationship with you. And that cannot be allowed. Lord, give me strength.

no more blues

I was having a really really awful time this weekend. What with the dead battery and the tire blowout and overall sadness what was just biting at me.

It was good to get in some time with someone much more spiritually close to you though. That definitely helped to put things in perspective and focus on what is joyful news--your coming and your Grace and your good news for us. In that, I should be able to always take great pleasure in knowing that I have been chosen and that you are good.

no matter what happens on this earth, God is good and you are greater than anything that they could do to me. being a part of your celebration and celebrating all that is holy... that's the point right?

The weight

It would be no news to anyone who knows me that I have a lot of feelings. Probably too many. And they are quite heavy. Especially today.

Anyone who knows me would also know that I arguably have everything I could want in this world at the moment. And they would be more or less right. There is only one thing and it is a thing that money cannot buy and that sheer will cannot acquire (just my good luck, right?) It's some combination of a best friend and life partner. Going alone is tiring. Having someone on your team helps a lot, I imagine in my romanticized version of my life.

Today I'm also wrestling with who I am and what my existing friendships mean to me. There has already been one friendship that I burned this year. Maybe two. Aw shit. Three is probably more accurate.

The first, he didn't care and was constantly upset at me for circumstances I could not change. It upset me to care and always be trying to fix it. It was emotionally draining. So I burned it. We've been cordial since. Things seem better now. But, we are not friends. So....

The second, she was never a friend to begin with. It was always fake. It was always a ruse. When I finally realized it, I burned it. We are in the he discovering the friendship is lost phase. Check back in a few weeks to see how it has gone.

The third, she was fun to be around last year. We had a blast in class and I thought the year would be great. But now it's not. Apparently she want to be nosy and my second mom. That is annoying as hell. I have to live with it for about 3 months but I don't have to be friends with her.

And the reason for this pensive thought is my consideration of a friendship whose loss would break heart. I've held it dear for several years now and enjoyed its presence a great deal. I liked knowing it was there for me anytime I needed it. And in my heart I want to believe it is still there but sometimes don't infiltrates my mind. Sometimes I need reminders of what we are to each other, valued company.

Perhaps that will stave off the darkness of despair for another day.

Hello, Old Friend

Hello, Old Friend. It has been a long time since we last spoke. A lot has changed and I need to debrief myself. It's hard to understand exactly how that happened and what will happen next, but if I don't do this then I don't know...
I need you. I have never been the best at prayer. But I'm praying now. Things are changing and have been changing for some time now. I know that.

So here goes...

From previous conversations with him, it seems like he thinks that we are friends. But is that really the case? Does he truly believe that or has he been lying to me this entire time? It would break my heart to think the latter. It'd be shattering my truth from the last two years. But I am here to face the truth. Confessions of a candid camel after all.

When I named this blog, I did not think of exactly how accurate that assessment of myself would be.

Yup. A camel. I am exactly that. And trying to fit through that needle right now. I need a lot of help--a lot of the Lord's love, in particular--to fit through. This camel is also dirty. Stained with blood and God knows what else. But you Lord are there. You are faithful even when we are not.

I'm so so thankful for that. I would be lost without your grace and mercy. Like seriously.

I don't like what has happened though. I know I am leaving, but I hate that it has changed my relationship with him. It has placed me in a weird limbo where I just have to suffer as he talks about her ALL THE TIME. I DON'T NEED TO KNOW. (primarily because I care too much about what he thinks. UGH.)

But I am learning and my words are changing. I say, "wow that's so great for her. I'm glad that you're making it all work out." I think, "wow, get me out of here I don't want to know about it."

May the Lord build me up as I draw nearer to him. It has been a long time, but I am ready to be back and re-establish our deep and loving relationship. Because that relationship is the foundation for everything else that is pure and good.

Lots of love and apologies for my past.