48 Hour Challenge

proverbs 30:1

"i am weary, God, but i can prevail."
in a 48 hour fast, i find that i can best rely on God to be my strength. on vacation, i think its a particular struggle and reality that im pleased to learn through.

the food issues, the profanity--i did much better on the latter today and tomorrow will be even cleaner i hope. plus with the food things, this 48 hours has already taught me a bit and i hope to see it teach me lots more!!

ill continue holding strong to his power in the new day and i will strive to pray more frequently because that will be a way to grow more. before every theoretical "meal" and before sleeping. setting specific time points will hopefully help much.

Today is the Day

proverbs 29:1

thats got to be the thing Gods driving home to me because in every new day i feel like the devotional verse points to the same change for me. if i dont change after hes told me, ill be suddenly obliterated--most likely figuratively through some academic terror that could befall me.

so the application for me is to try harder tomorrow! I only slipped in my mind once today but tomorrow I can do better!

and you know that's not my only fault. EXERCISE. T-T I need to run and swim at home so badly. day one after returning I need to make sure I go to sleep early so I can get up around 6am to go running! :O evem twenty minutes would be good! :/ if I'm going to do thus ragnar thing I seriously need to start getting in shape D:

to start, tomorrow I can work harder on eating smaller amounts bc that much good just isn't rly necessary. focus on something else and not food! read God's message during the day? you can do it with his help and make the changes you've been struggling so much with:3

The Long Haul

proverbs 28:9

this sounds like a warning to me more than anything else because ive been not that good about the profanity and i sort of gave up even though i know what God thinks about it.

bonding mechanism vs what God wants... can i respect my parents and keep it clean at home and just bond outside of the home at like school? :3 is that a thing? im guessing not... but idk what to do to replace it D: Lord, i dont wanna blatantly disobey when i know in my heart whats right but this situation is one of those where  the world promotes one thing and i know another :/ no one said following you was easy. so substitute phrasing? vulgar substitutes with voice and sassiness?? its so hard ): well, i still must! speech that honors you while bringing me closer together with other people... jeez i _am_ in it for the long haul...

tomorrow i will catch myself at every f*** and sh** and replace it, even the mental ones. and i mustnt be rude to my parents because despite my feelings about hawaii, this _is_ supposed to be great, they _did_ spend a lot of money to get us here, and... thatd just be respectful. onwards to a new day and goals!!

My Side of the Street

proverbs 27:10

it sounds like the verse underscores friends out of convenience by their proximity compared to relatives but that perception, im sure, is much to shallow. friends are neighbors and neighbors are to be considered friends even if theyre actually ones enemies. meaning that even the samaritan in your life should be respected and shown kindness too. in that way we as disciples distinguish ourselfs by loving our neighbors AND enemies as ourselves. 

the other thing about friends, i suppose, is that they can come from unlikely places so dont discount people before you get to know them or anything like that. in my flinn class i may have instantly connected with some people and know (somewhat uncertainly) that we'll be friends, but even with others dont jump to fast or close any doors  when we've just barely begun. and to be honest, that really goes for any of the people i "know" going into my UA freshman year. eyes open and hang out with any of them--while being safe, of course and avoiding... _those_ types of situations.

so hang out with them and give them a chance. friendships a two way street so make sure you do your share(: hit up your bassoonist friend and keep up with the JC  justice league~ (the only thing im thinking right now is oh, she didnt even offer after i mentioned my bear down camp dilemma.. but its probably not that big a deal yet? we've only been friends for a little while and i shouldnt expect any favor like that i dont think). and im going to be the best friend possible--thats the only way to know whos at fault, if im already doing everything that _i_ can.

Guilty as Charged

proverbs 26:4
dont copy the sins of the silly and become silly like them--guilty of the same crime against Gods holiness.

rise above the influence and be a light of the cities.  its hard. especially considering that its a bonding mechanism everywhere i look. is there any way around it? Lord, i just ask that you would help me to navigate these waters in a...cleaner manner.

King of Kings

proverbs 25:2

even though there are uncertainties before me as i near the beginning of my collegiate journey, i will take heart in the glory of God to conceal matter for future revealing.  if searching out a matter is the glory of kings, i view my own soul searching too then as a mechanism for glorifying His holy name.  though im not a king, i can certainly be like one as a home of the spirit.

there is much that i don't know, but as a tribute to comfort in God and, therefore, in the unknown, i refuse to fret and will divert my attention.  goodbye to college confidential bc only the Lord knows and i can never randomly project things.  it would serve me better to avoid looking up the standings of others as i approach another time filled with applications. *cough*med*cough*cough*school*cough*  all glory to the Father and none other for his power.

When Waging War

proverbs 24:6

though im not waging physical war, certainly spiritual warfare is present in abundance and in any planning at all for the future. this verse speaks to me and reminds me of the importance of seking guidance from God in everything i do. theres nothing too small to ask for the spirits assistance in.

as for my job, prayer is a core aspect of christianity and i need to remember praying daily, talking to God and asking that he guide me as i make different choices. before meals, before going to sleep, with just greater frequency.

A Waste of Time

proverbs 23:9

this verse speaks to me on many levels and it mostly says to me: don't waste your time on stupid people who arent going to change their ways and begin making better decisions because thats a waste of time you could invest in people who can help you change the world. ive realized the true difference between fun and actual stupidity and i mean this in the least offensive way possible. fun but smart is like ice. awesomeness that i admire and strive for. fun but full of common sense is like my... gang, lets say. gang of superheroes. i love em but we just have different kinds of life experience and smarts but it doesnt matter. fun and stupid and willing to risk everything for fun is the ridiculous type i cant stand to be around and that because i not only feel out of place, but that im deteriorating due to my surroundings. conversation regarding vodka shots, their guns/rifles and other stupid shenanigans doesnt really interest me.

since those people wont listen, its better to spend time with people who'll actually grow with me, who make me better, and who i can make better. with that in mind, i think ill be focusing more effort on my superheroes, on God, on my fliblings, on my family <3 ill talk to my gang about watching the fault in our stars and actually making the friendship blossom and real. this 2way street isnt going to falter on my side.

Investing in the Future

proverbs 22:9
whoever gives freely will be given to freely and theres no need to be stingy or cautious in charitable contributions--only discretion in terms of the organizations to whom those contributions go and notice of their overhead costs.

ive heard it said that people should start saving money early and preparing for the future. in the same way, it would seem best for me to invest in charity early and prepare for the futures of those who cant do it themselves. now...to pick a group. i feel like the ronald mcdonald house charity would be a good one. im going to try the skip a meal idea. once a month, during college, skip a meal and donate that amount that you woulda spent to rmhc. heres to the future.

Reality Check

proverbs 21:2
was i open minded enough during orientation?  did i try hard enough to accept others for who they are and be myself?

i... know that what im aware of gets to my head sometimes, but i never say anything aloud, but... automatic microexpressions?  would those be bad?  theyre ingenuine, so i would say so.  God weighs the heart over anything i do or so... that means theres still work to do on becoming something better in time for the new school year.  is being something new real, of the heart? hm. only if i go in all the way.  im rambling in convoluted sentences :3

we're wrong more often than we think, and He doesn't care what the world's standards are--just his ones, real ones.  he looks at what people are on the inside.

then what about me?  what am i supposed to do to line up more?  weighing my own heart with greater criticism.  maybe a more conscious effort to connect with other people is what i need--beyond the group i easily chill with already. yeah.

Constant

proverbs 20:6
so college is actually becoming sort of really scary for me. like today--in five hours of so--ill be in tucson for orientation and thats my chance to make it or break it, it feels like. i mean, its much more than that but still, i dont wanna be the same person i was in high school and i definitely have the opportunity to start changing that old rep tomorrow. so yeah, its actually nervewracking to think about it--especially since i pretty much hadnt thought about it at all until...a few hours eariler when i was packing.

now the reason i bring it up is because with all that anxiety, i needed something to anchor myself with and to find security in. it might seem like the wrong verse for that sort of search and for my need, but in taking note of the many who falsely profess loyalty but end up flaking off, i remember that God never professes love with lying lips.no, hes the real thing whose always there for us. and even tomorrow, i know that.

im going to trust God through tomorrow. first physically by outwardly praying and letting me faith shine, regardless of what people might think and say to me as a result. next izing my faith if asked. those are my steps for sure but i just want to soak in Gods presence and support for me no matter what.  ill always be able to find him right there, not even so far as around the corner, when i need someone.

My Compass Rose

proverbs 19:2
desire without knowledge--this fair warning of God leads me to ponder on my pursuit of shadowing blindly. it would be much bbetter to chase medicine with an actual foundation of knowledge. not only this, but hasty feet will miss the way--shoot off too far or short in a blind endeavor.  knowing more now than i did freshman or sophomore year, however, i would say im much more prepared to be a good shadow than before. and i wont be taking a shot in the dark, hurrying before i actually know whats up.

besides that though, i feel like this also touches on unfounded pride. in educational sessions or around other students, essentially, in an extracurricular setting, ive found myself in a position and with an air of arrogance about me thats quite suffocating. i honestly dont know how i breathe in it and its pretty awful. im doing my best to discard it and i honestly think that focusing on gaining as much as i can from the professionals around me without trying to one up any one is the way to go. i DONT need to "already know" things or anything like that. its honestly fine, and no one cares. im the only one who needs to know about the extent of my knowledge.

luckily for me, i have a perfect opportunity to demonstrate a desire for knowledge with humility tomorrow at the AZ BIO expo in scottsdale. lets go--no rushing, all calm, cool, personality turned up with a perfect touch of gracious sweetness. *whew* to God i give all glory and from Him i seek guidance on my conduct. its much better when Gods and knowledge are both there as compasses for the journey motivated by desire, you know.

Sharing [reasonably] is caring

proverbs 18:1
selfishness. its hard not to be in this society. i feel like we're taught, to a variable degree, to keep the choicest portions of opportunities and glory and other "fine, worldly things" to ourselves. we dont want someone else to lay claim to our gold. we're possessive and want it--regardless of what, exactly.

i know ive easily fallen into that maddening trap and a competitive academic atmosphere lends itself to that sort of selfishness all too easily. so i want to work on sharing :3 within reason, i would say... i will share spoils, but i will share with people who "deserve" it. i mean, im not to judge, but if someone is horrific, i probably wont share with them... i guess this is that guarded optimism against people as i meet different individuals with competing and opposite-completely-not-in-the-same-field interests. be open, cautiously. and thats how it is with research tips or whatever after you find out things and opportunities. ill apply this especially if we go to lunch together tomorrow.

Up

proverbs 17:2
birth doesnt necessarily determine ones future. regardless of where i started out, whatever advantages are born to the "sons" can be balanced out by diligence and faith and righteousness on behalf of the house servant. the inequalities can certainly be compensated for!

being from an immediate family without physicians, ive certainly had my share of struggles in acquiring medical experiences but God today im ever more grateful for what i have because i know with absolute certainty that God made it all possible, and i cant help but defer to God in awe of those blessings.

now, i know thats very concrete in how ive observed this verse already in action in my life. and i would like to think ive worked hard along with God's spirit on my side. the other thing though is in my spiritual life. though i started off not much better than a peasant, pursuit of God and a relationship with Him is the key to developing a bond and intimacy with the character of the Lord. ive made progress in the arena (though its not nearly enough yet to satisfy), and this helps me to see that i _can_ actually know God better. with Him, anythings possible.

in an effort to make a conscious endeavor right away, i will be doing tomorrows blog tonight. thats the only way to grow, by preparing my heart for the next day ahead--not by looking backwards. by stepping up and forward.

When your drink isn't iced

proverbs 16:1

God holds the answer to questions and mystery regarding the direction we ought to take. humans can only gesture, but God's way is the right, best for us, way.

if i have to miss out on ice this week, then so be it. He must have something equally fantastic in store at the AZ BIO conference and i will apply myself to networking there and learning as much as I possibly can from the professionals there. that i will.

An Open Book

proverbs 15:13
the countenance reflects the status of the heart. its the biological version of the mood ring. and it came first. 

besides, this natural phenomena happens to me basically all the time. i guess the take away of this lies in trying to have a happy heart more often as that automatically places a cheerful smile on while minimizing those heartaches. i have so many blessings everyday and theres certainly always something to smile about and eminate joy over. smiles show Gods glory so much better than pained heartache induced tears or frowns.

heartache may crush the spirit, but also, living in a Godly manner with pushing eternal joy regardless of the situation is the way to go. (i realize that sometimes my sentences may fail to make sense and become loopy though... >_<)

lately, my mind just keeps on keeping on and goes back to those particular shadows. memories of shadows. its this perpetual loop of bliss but its kind of like chains at the same time. its bizarre. happiness is the strangest form. but in God, theres joy in the purest form.

um, i guess what im really trying to say, is that i may have ups and downs, but those are relative and in relativity to the grand schemes my downs are pretty up there so i ought not despair and still work through it, remembering God's power along the way and how i ecan overcome obstacles before me. besides that, but focusing away from heartache, i can spread God's joy to others.  tomorrow, regardless of perceived opportunity during my hospital shift, i will smile and look for the best side though. even if i cant burn in ice there'll be something else to do and maybe the afternoon will afford an opportunity to chill.

Sharing Sentiments

proverbs 14:10

suffering and celebrating alone. naturally its like that and true empathy appears incredibly rare. once a blue moon maybe theyll understand exactly. even words arent always enough. and maybe thats just something i have to prepare myself for more readily. and in my own daily living, maybe i just need to make greater efforts to empathize--since i would wish for others to do the same.  and in the same way that the heart knows its own bitterness (seemingly insinuating that it fails to recognize others'), no one else can share in the heart's joy. for me, ive found that this is most true in that i can repeat a story which captured my own heart and i can do so a million times but itll never be the same and no one will ever... _truly_ see why im so ecstatic, it seems.

but honestly, sharing my joys and sorrows with God seems like the way to go. he always gets it and is ready to listen, never too busy for me at all. if nothing else, i learned this and in the next day ill be working on genuine interest and concern for others and an eagerness to hear whatever it is they have to say.

Pine

proverbs 13:12
pine. and pine. and pine some more. im hardly speaking of the tree kind though, nd i think you could probably guess that. i mean, after all, what fun is there in introspection of the heart regarding vegetation of the coniferous kind? vascular nature or not, it really doesnt matter. on the other hand, the sentimental kind makes all the difference.

this past year, hope deferred led to a longing of the heart where observing a surgery was concerned. and wednesdays lit me up like fireworks. but even more so than that, the anticipation of wednesdays made me palpably ache. i couldnt get wednesdays out of my mind for the life of me and it was like i was thinking about the coming week all the time and yearning for a perpetual wednesday to a semi-ridiculous degree. and to a point, i couldnt tell if i cared more about my initial objective--that so called longing of the heart--or if it was just that #mcm, a transferred obsession resulting from a lack of any other exit for similar emtion(al frustrations?), or WHAT. 

a few thursdays ago, on thursday may 29, my hope was "undeferred." dat robotic hyst. the first one. it left me happy with some anticipation of the next. but what really hit me was thursday june 12. it was like MAGIC and the fulfillment of longing was like a tree of life exploding in my brain because im so high on it that i cant stop smiling in my mind. june 12 was ten hours of essentially pure joy. #mcm #surgery4dayz #physiciansloungeAKAthebatcave i cant stop thinking about it but not in the yearning for the next chance kind of way, but more like the i want to stay in this mode for ever and just savor it kind of way. and i found my tree of life for energy and EVERYTHING.

i would imagine that this applies to a number of other situations as well. in my life right now, i would say im yearning for results for my physical form and im hoping to change who i am on the outside. but surely thatll take time... so i have to work, but also im certain that the tree of life which would arise from that, that tree would be such a glorious thing. i anticipate it eagerly. honestly, the best thing is probably that i defer that tree's transplantation into the soil as little as possible. then, it would be able mature into a bigger one faster. gah. i seriously need to figure this out. lord, may i work on a normal sleep schedule to somehow facilitate timely working such that the tree DOES make it into the ground, preferrably in the next month or so.... :3 a girl can yearn and attempt as much implmentation as possible...

13 O W D O W N [because im not] On My Own

proverbs 12:6-11
pride is a dangerous animal. this school year in particular, you could say that ive gotten used to getting what i want from people--in the best of ways and with the politest manners of course, but im still the type-A ish personality thats determined to have it my way in the end even if it takes some manipulating to get there. and that can be bad if i dont ever back down, mostly when im in a new place where its seen as too aggressive or if i break rules to get something. its the fault of pride flawing my judgment and making me believe ill get what i want in the end :3

but God says that its better to be nobody and have a servant than to be sombody begging for food. better to have humility but get what you want, then to be arrogant about yourself and yet repulse everyone by that very manner and get no where.

so even though i may have scored a million dollar opportunity to shadow in the operating room and watch incredible surgeries, shhhhh. no need to tell the world. be humble about it. dont tag that photo excesively. i will proceed to post with utmost trepidation and care. 

besides, none of this was my doing. i owe everything to the Lord. to him i bow down in gratitude, for it is not because of anything i specifically did that ive gotten to this point today. no, these kind of doors dont open on their own.

¡CAUTION!

proverbs 11:10-15
ive been warned with relative frequency regarding those who i have yet to know.  God reminds me about that again in proverbs 11:15.

so heres the thing, sometimes its like i'll miss out if i dont get to know people posthaste and other times its best to guard yourself because theyre not people i should associate anyways.  but in college, if you wanna have friends it feels like and seems like you'd better hurry and do it in the "friend meeting" period when everyone's still receptive to meeting everyone else and before cliques have formed. i guess the point Gods making to me is to not throw myself into the deep end and trust a stranger i've just met unconditionally, but to play it more safe in the beginning and dont sign yourself away to being friends (especially with just that person).  thats probably never ever a good idea.  know more than a few.

its college advice that this applies to most, but also to the friends i recently made at girls state.  just give yourself a little at a time.  you can do that right now starting today, girl.  this seems like sketchy advice, but its real because this is the real world, i suppose.

God's Way [or the Highway]

proverbs 10:2
i had a recent internal struggle with doing the right thing. at the soroptimist scholarship conference, i was awarded two thirds of a scholarship for myself and the other third was made out to chandler regional. well, im rather skeptical and reluctant to give it to the hospital. the money may or may not go where i should hope it does and my degree of gratitude to the volunteen program itself is questionable. to a much greater degree im thankful for annette and dr. villa. anyways, so i struggled with whether or not to actually give the hospital that third. i could use it for books, i could invest it. i could buy part of my much needed laptop with it. i could do a ton of things with it.

but i suppose that third would have equated to ill-gotten treasures and so im glad that i didnt keep it and deposit it. God provides and i shall not ever be wanting. my righteousness is much more questionable but at lest im not holding ill-gotten treasures. besides that, now that i think about it, i've probably gotten the equivalent to that third in birthday and graduation gifts. not only that, but opting for illicit treasures would only hurt me (highway as opposed to the security of Gods way).

so tomorrow, i also pledge to be righteous in any acquisition of treasures--both the figurative and literal types. right now im thinking that those treasures may come in the form of something at mayo clinic, but ill just have to see... thank God for this day though and may he help me in my applications.

B U

galatians 2:11-14
though this letter frequently brings up the matter of hypocrisy, for me something else came up today--voicing my own personality. yeah, its a new one, but its about time that i turn up the "me." sarcasm, voice, jokes, teasing, questions--turn down for what? so turn it up. thats the me that people want to engage in. thats the interesting side of me. the side worth listening to, the side worth teaching, the side that people want to be around and get to know. quiet, goody two shoes never got anywhere.

its more than just pointing out something thats messed up the way paul did. sure, he rejected hypocrisy, but his personality came out when he used his voice as well and it drew people to him. thats what im taking away. God's message to me must involve coming out of my shell and speaking up as paul did.

it doesnt necessarily have to be regarding injustices. maybe it's something simple to move towards glorifying God in the small ways so the big things work out more smoothly.  so come tomorrow at mayo clinic when im working, it all comes out. laugh out loud because im gonna be around. im committing to getting a laugh out of everyone and focusing less on perfection--everything in good taste and ill be fine. so long as im myself it'll all be fine. be me. be you. b u. (as a side note, ill also be shadowing swarup on tuesday--a chance at a big semi-first impression, it looks like. dont mess up, girl!)

Not A Foregone Conclusion

song of solomon 8:1-4
heres the thing, i would never ever in my like life jump to the conclusion that a guy likes me or is into me in any sort of way like EVER. thats pretty much, after the life experience I've gathered so far, a once in a blue moon type of conclusion that I would not dare to flatter myself with.  well heres song of solomon 8:4.

well, just in case, I'm still responsible for myself and I need to still remember that I must not lead anyone to believe anything that's not true as a result of my actions and I must walk in line with God and with what I knew absolutely to be good and true in my heart. this is what God says in song of solomon 8:4. I mean...just in case I wouldn't want some poor guy getting the wrong idea.

and this came to mind after certain suggested activities when discussing a hang out with a friend. it's a sketchy world and I need to present myself the way I actually want to be perceived.

I have something very specific in mind right now. God, I just pray that you will help me maintain proper boundaries and keep things...real. I'm not going to turn into one of _those_ people and im not going to be convinced into anything. I know what they think they can make happen through words alone. well that's not how it's going to be with me and I pray for your strength to keep it that way.

Burn it, now.

song of solomon 7
theres just one message in this song: work out.

essentially, as ive returned home today from girl state, i have only one objective, become the fittest person posible by limiting intake appropriately and burning as much s possible through relatively rigorous exercise and good sleeping habits. the song notes a good form that glorifies God and i strive to achieve the same. there is no time like the present for fitness...

tomorrow the regimen must begin and i must take my health very much more seriously. no doubt pinterest will also prove useful? i will follow exercise nearly religiously... this needs to work out and i ask for your guidance and strength, Lord in pursuing fitness.

One Heart

song of solomon 6:3
tonight i was talking with some of my other JC besties from girls state, and the path of the conversation led me to more strongly consider my own convictions and how i feel about God.  the importance of the relationship to me and how much effort i put into my faith.  it would seem to be that my relationship is comparatively strong, but theres no room for any pride in that.  no, theres only room for further development and im determined to continue growing.  i trust that if i put my entire heart into the Lord, then my spiritual growth will eventually blossom and translate into other beautiful miracles.

God's message to me is that he is mine and i am his.  for the time being, i think that honestly suffices.  i've often thought about romantic involvement and i must say that such thoughts seriously occupied my mind for the longest time.  like from sixth grade until sophomore year, my mind was thoroughly disrupted by such thoughts and frivolous fancies.  but then i changed my heart and decided there was no time for such musings.  and i would like to say that in junior year i turned towards the Father, but im not completely sure how great my transition was.  to be sure, i began to write my weekly letters but i also say with regret tha ton more than one occasion those have turned into trivial diary entries.

more meaningful, however, would be these blogs--in my opinion anyways.  and i think that transcribing the bible has been important and a marker of growth.  i must learn to be happy as a single person before any happiness can be found in a pair and thats significant.  

he browses among the lilies: i would take that to mean God is looking into my heart for the flowers which mark his impact on my life--the fruit of my relationship with him, i suppose you could say.  these, i believe to be incredibly important.  regardless of how it might seem at times.  and to be honest, the conversation i had today seriously inspired me to seek Him out with greater fervor.  in spite of others' standing, i need to keep getting closer.

well, if the meaning of the verse is that i am one with God as he seeks evidence of fruitfulness, then i need to ensure the continued bearing of fruit.  for this reason, my next crop will consist in a recommencement of my origami operations at the hospital and prayer with patients to accompany that work.  i cant wait to see what wonders He introduces to me through the lives of others who've seen and experienced true pain.  i want to learn.  and i want God to speak to me--and through me.

Fixer Upper

hosea 3:1-3
even when we mess up, God forgives us.  that's part of the beauty, but its not to be taken advantage of.  in the same way, even when friends betray me or act against me, i ought to demonstrate love again and forgive them--let them start fresh with me and return to a pure friendship with them.  i ought to reconcile because God reconciled with israel even when she had strayed far away.  even when we have strayed far away.  his standards are high and immutable, but at the same time, his love is extensive and he takes the sinner back in.  for the single sheep thats lost its path, the shepherd goes out to find it and bring it back home again.  so when i have friends who lose their way and hurt me, i should welcome them back and smile.  in that way, not only will that "friend" be surprised and hopefully see through to your glory, but others apart from the situation might see it as well.

this reminds me of my particular situation with a friend with whom i compete in a variety of areas for awards.  the competition has a tendency to create tension that i would very much like to diffuse, because our competitive natures have caused a divide and the exchange of some less than completely kind remarks.  i must admit that im not completely innocent, but recently i've been nothing but smiles.  now, i must be like hosea though and welcome that friend regardless.  others will see it, to be sure.  i will be the better example and hopefully the kindness will be reciprocated with a diffusion of hard feelings.  in application, i sent a message to that friend, specifically indicating my hopes for at least niceties between us. 

and this is just a fun song about fixing things up:

Stop (period).

hosea 4:2
theres no way that cursing you be something thats pleasing to you and honesly i think that ive fallen into a much too judgmental and free-with-profanity person. its terrible.I CANT keep this up and continue to just consider what the "cool" people say. soooo, lets stop this now--not to close friends or in my head internally or anyone. ITS BAD and God warns against cursing :3 honestly, the biggest thing for me right now is probably refraining from cursing against my parents...<\3

reading this reminded me of my responsibilities:

its said that distance makes the heart grow fonder. i would dare to agree with that because whenever i call mom and dad they always have much more time for me and for listening to my stories while _im_ actually trying to do other things. welllll, i dont have that much time left in the house, but im going to try to make the most of it and moms jokes. im going to do my very best and be respectful and refrain from those sins which Gos has called out.  for me, no cursing and deferencd to my parents--lets do it.

Mean Girls

hosea 2:2-5

change your ways, otherwise you will receive the deserved wrath of God with no mercy.  as reads, the passage indicates that God will strip Israel naked and take away her abundance.

right now, my sin is gossip.  its suffocating.  there are some advisers at girls state that are some seriously irritating and stubborn old ladies, but if i keep talking about them that then things are going to be bad and im going to hurt others' feelings and people who hear me talking about others will not think that im a christian and i wont be shining a light for christ and its just so terrible T-T

and basically, i need to do something about it XP so to apply myself to this i need to seriously concentrate on not talking about people. i think today during lunch my intentions to gossip have been stinted successfully^^ please help me God! this i ask in your name, amen.

I Will Follow You

hosea 1:2-6
wherever he goes, i will follow the Lord.  that is my mandate and desire.  no matter what and regardless of whether or not i like the direction that he presses upon me.

reading on the story of hosea and remembering his commitment to God has reminded me of that importance and of how i must open my eyes and ears to listen to what He has to say.  God told hosea to go and marry a promiscuous woman and have children with her and that is a "fate" that seems--more than likely--a less than completely desirable one, but one that he followed nonetheless and obeyed without fail.

its also important for me to realize that hosea was not to do these things without a purpose.  God explains that he was to do this as a symbol of the entire land which was guilty of unfaithfulness to the Lord.  for me, in reflecting on the passage, it has resonated with me that i must do my best to be in tune with what He has to say.  sometimes, that can be the hardest part and i worry that im not listening hard enough and that im missing His message for me.  i've brought this up before, but a major concern of mine has strictly involved what im to do with my career.  ive set my heart on medicine, but has GOD set his heart on my pursuit of medicine? its a question i constantly catch myself asking internally, but i think its about time to move on and away from the question to a new one--because how can it not be the fate you've designed in light of the miracles of my senior year in high school? shadowing in the office? observing surgery now? c-sections? whatever other awesome things he's going to do? mayo clinic research work? like WOW. it blows my mind all the time.

now, the evolved version of the question--how to position myself in medicine to achieve your maximum glory.  i'm looking at field work in UNICEF and UNHCR right now.  that's the hard route, right?  and not only does God's glory often follow the road less traveled, but it also goes in line with the difficulties of camel in passing through the eye of the needle.  and God provides.  so, as i'm envisioning that, i guess i need to be aware of possibilities even beyond that.  is there an even less traveled path?  because if so, maybe that's the one God would like to direct me upon.  for the time being though, i will settle for following Christ's example, hosea's example, and applying myself by researching those UN organizations today to better understand exactly what it takes to join--or "enlist," so to speak.

The Theory of Knowledge

proverbs 1:1-7
without a proper fear of the Lord, there is no respect for His power.  he's not some softy whose purpose is to simply pamper us and save us from our times of distress.  and perceiving God in this light prevents us from seeing through to the incredible glory that He's capable of.  it causes us to miss out on the magnificence that would otherwise lead us to know him more intimately and harness that to glorify his name and do good works in his name and move mountains in his name.

so, as God's message here indicates, the fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge and it initiates the process of a deeper relationship with Him.  and with the fools who despise wisdom and instruction, they miss out on His true essence and essentially dig their own graves.  to open my mind more to God and everything, today i will be reading up on some editorial on theology tonight.  hopefully itll open my mind up to his omniscient nature even more(:

Rejecting Feminism

proverbs 31:10-15
i've been considered a more forward person--especially in my high school years.  apparently i can come off as headstrong, scary, etc.  its basically all because im relatively independent, and i dont pretend to drown in my sorrows or problems.  im not some damsel in distress seeking rescue.  and its a turn off apparently thats comes off in too great of a feminist light, or something.

well, i guess here's the news for me, God advocates for femininity and the placement of girls in some more traditional roles.  feminism isnt necessarily the way its supposed to be.  what if im supposed to submit subserviently and conduct myself with less confidence and authority, but equal poise.  independence and intelligence underneath, but some innocent and vulnerable surface?  proverbs 31: 13 and proverbs 31: 15 told me that.

not only this, but it convinces me of the necessity of softening.  i have an opportunity to remake myself in college.  i refuse to be known by the same image as i "owned" in high school.  honestly, i feel like i can practice that building here at girls state.  there are so many opportunities to meet new people.  if there's a party, maybe getting down with others is the way to go--dance.  thats one key.

ambitions--tone them down.  pride--eliminate it.  all i care about, at least in my facade--having a great time.  all confidence, but no real desires beyond popularity, boys, and socializing.  something like that.

honestly, i feel like i have to sell my soul to fit the mold.

being a girly girl is just half the fight, but its the easiest part of the fight to attempt, i would say.  my first step to a nine, redoing my wardrobe for college.  the first part of a new image--new clothes. if i care more, maybe it'll translate to my image and femininity or whatever.  and maybe it'll translate to everything else i want to be and everything else about me.

so by rejecting the independent feminist core thats sometimes advocated with such force by "rosie the riveter" types (them strong independent women who dont need no men), i can escape my cruel cycle of perpetuated societal marooning on a segregated island.  and hopefully become a more Godly young woman who can make Him proud.

On the Brink of the Fall

proverbs 30:5-9
thats an on-point message; there is a tendency for good times to lead people astray from Gods word.  there is a tendency for bad times to draw people to His word--running to him for help in their desperation.  but in even times, when things work out but only barely, there's trust in God and His power to take care of me, but also joy in knowing of my own security through Him.  joy in being a child of God--a joy thats tempered with recognition of Gods glory due to an immense awareness of my own necessity of Him for subsistence.  these points seem to me the core of proverbs 30:8 in how God notes neither poverty nor riches necessarily lead to faithfulness.  it is for these reasons that this point is made regarding giving only my daily bread.

considering that, it would seem to be that seeking extravagance or self-sufficiency/great financial security is not necessarily the way to go.  the other groups i thought about yesterday follow more closely with the provision of only daily bread, though.  it seems that in application, those paths hold true better.

the literal meaning could also be taken, and avoiding gluttony is important in this time when food is much too abundant and can lead to unhealthy lifestyles.  so, for now, the key lies in nutritional moderation.

and listening to God's calling in the future.

Tearing Down Walls

proverbs 29:21-25
this is like a legitimate problem that i am facing internally at the moment.  and its not really something that's started recently.  its more like a pervasive issue that's been persisting for a while now--im not really sure when it began.  its this pride over academic capacities and achievements that have sort of only been heightened by a partial sense of entitlement/recognition over even more recent awards.  ITS SUCH A TERRIBLE THING.  even though its only happening in my head right now, the judgment is kind of overwhelming and hard to block out.  it inhibits--to some degree--the development of relationships with others who i may not perceive to be at the same level of capacity.  it builds unnecessary walls.

now, it makes me super happy that ive found others of a similar mind as me.  but that doesnt erase this other problem that must be addressed regardless.

God reminds me again about this dangerous behavior of pride though.  proverbs 29:23.  and ive seen it in my own life as i feel less connected to certain people as a result of disparities and that internal snobbish-ness causes me to miss out on opportunities to perhaps build otherwise strong friendships with serious potential because of that "intellectual" requirement.  humility, however, lifts a person up by contrast, God sasys.  the lowly in spirit gain honor, and recognition is awarded to those who least seek it.  i would give an example if i could think of one off the top of my head... but it's not even just that.  beyond "prizes," there are the long term prizes of dislike or like by others on the basis of pride or lack therefore of.

well. in recognition of my issue.  i will be making an extra conscious effort to be less judgmental.  now, seeing that this can be difficult to externally police and enforce upon myself, i will also make a supremely conscious effort to acquaint myself with everyone regardless of how "worth it" the friendship may be.  i never really know what it'll be like until i get to know people more, and this is something that i've certainly figured out after more extended periods with acquaintances/friends from school. so i will do my best to super actively participate in conversations and just completely engage with these people who may or may not eventually become my close friends.  let's tear em down.