More Like You

on behalf of september 23, 2015

I have a responsibility to myself.  I must be loving and kind and every good thing just as the land would be were he in this position. he loved so very intensely that there could hardly be doing as to his character of notices. No one is THAT good in the name of selfishness.

Clearly humility, gentleness and patience are my biggest flaws.... I didn't think of it before but even though I might have a decent amount of patience, especially with children, I'm not so sure about it elsewhere. The bigger things are the humility and gentleness.

Humility.... Every time I speak it sounds like I'm apparently extremely arrogant.  out to show off.  maybe it comes off that way.  but that's a terrible way to leave things.  as your child, changing that is huge.  its a big deal.

not just that, but the gentleness?  gentleness of the soul.  yup, another thing.  may you just work in me and bring out your character from the inside of you in through me.  and the back out into the world where you really want to make it shine.  the kind of gentleness that people are completely shocked by.

and a patience that no one knew existed.  these are all things from you.   things that should be for you.  done for you.  because if you live in me, then its possible.

My Compass and Shepherd

September 22, 2015

Accept corrections humbly and be counted as more wise for it.  Proverbs 16:9 

In their hearts, men plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps.  His will and design is above all else and it will be fulfilled whether we go with it and flow or if we resist it and cause ourselves strife as a result of it.

I think that means I should also be open to asking for advice and allowing others to shape me, so long as their shaping also goes along the same lines as what you have set.  You are my compass and shepherd.  I follow you.  But sometimes you speak through those around me and work through them to reach me.  To this, I think I need to be more open and realize it more.

In everything, I hope to have a posture of prayer and a peaceful mind and heart, ready to hear and receive you.

I just want to know you better, know you better now.

on behalf of september 21, 2015

He is the Mighty Warrior who can conquer any obstacle and bring you from the depths of any pit.  He will certainly not punish me into eternity, but will shower me with his love and affection.  I can see that already.  I've hardly done a thing, and yet in the lab, I can already see affection.  From the one who's been there from the beginning, and from the one who's just come.  And too from others.  am.lm.pc.mk.rk.  I'm so blessed to have so many people who are around and there and have some degree of emotional investment in me.  I can only thank you for this beautiful gift.  People who actually care.  There aren't so many of those in the world, I don't think.  And in this way, I can see it clearly.  It is in this way that you are singing and rejoicing over me.  And out of respect for that, I have an obligation and heart for serving you better.  I just want to know you better now.  I just want to be a brighter light for you.

Awaken

On behalf of September 18, 2015

Do not be salty in recognition of the discipline that you have received because it is only out of love that the Lord rebukes or chastises you for what has happened.  He has given you real lessons though they might sting.  This is the way to truly awake from your complacency and reinvigorate your life.  This is how you grow and learn to be more Christ-like.  And now that you know, child, go and be salt and light.  go forth and make fishers of men.

This is because he loves you.  Because of this, you can have a chance in the future.  Anything else would be a disservice to you.  You would falter when it matters infinitely more.  But this is setting you up to learn while the stakes are low and to prepare you.  Always preparing you for the next step.  For the revealing of his glory in an infinitely greater and more glorious way.

Prayer Life

September 20, 2015

You know our struggles more than anyone else and even though it might seem to us as though there's no way you could have experienced this you get it.  You were tempted by all the opportunities before you in your time.

And yet you were perfection.

How could I even get there? Prayer.  This is magical.  You give us the words to say and not even just that, but this is how move.  This is how we can break down the walls of prayer that hold us back.  Ask him what to pray for and he will tell us.  Pray constantly and pray at a whim.  That is the answer to anything.  Pray before going to any other solution or problem solving mechanism.  He's the first to have the answer and He's the only one who can truly move mountains.

You get it.  And you want me to pray to you.  Pray continually. Not literally but have a continuous posture of prayer.  Be mindful of Christ and worship him in your hearts.  Have a peace in your heart at all times as though in prayer and that is the kind of posture needed.  And then, you will be able to achieve the confidence in faith that's so desirable.  Change the way you approach him and open the horizons of your conversations and prayers and dialogues with God.

Ultimate Redeemer

September 19, 2015

So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded.  You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.

Hebrews 10:35-36 NIV

I'm faltering right now not going to lie but that ochem failure is a pretty serious blow to my pride. On the plus side though I have realized that I'm capable of moving post that and focusing on the future and possibilities I have for redemption. I failed in that I freaked and got skittish and list the emotions get to me without turning to you, my ultimate redeemer. I thought for some reason that I needed to go out alone. That is so false and the result was less than satisfying to be sure.

By confidence. I have that in your ability to save me. You take me out of the darkness and the light will shine brightly for eternity.  Reward is honestly just s bonus. Surviving is the tough part and anything else is like sprinkles on top or something.

Keep going and you will receive your portion.  The lord is always for you, never against you.  Take heart in the Lord your God, child.  He is in control.

Wisdom According to My Knowledge

september 17, 2015

first and foremost this reminds me of the ticket.  it was your way of letting me know that i was wrong for what i thought about how to handle rules.  it was your way of saying no.  your way of saying there is something for me to change.  you love and delight in me but i must learn your ways better still and so all of this is for my good.  i can do this.  with you i can do this.  you make it possible to do this.  all i can do is pray fervently and release myself.  by the end of the day i will know my fate.  don't check d2l until you get home tomorrow.  you don't want the drive home to be a bad one.  it would be better to know at the end and to have a phone to fix it.  or to celebrate it.

i have a knowledge base, lord.  i pay attention in class.  in this class.  i trust you and put my faith in myself and that i can write and answer according to what i know.  may the knowledge i have flow directly into answering each question according to my skillset.  may it be fair to me.

and that is the best that i can ask for.

How

on behalf of september 16, 2015

I don't always know what I'm doing, but when I don't, You take over for me and make things right.  Even before I had fully realized that i needed it you took me along in that direction.  I wasn't worrying on the outside about ochem but on the inside my heart knew it was important and drove me to work.  It pressured me to study.  For the next unit I need to seriously get it together sooner so i don't drive myself insane.  Procrastination on this is DEFINITELY not the best option.  don't do it.  at this point, i think i've looked at it to the maximum point of informational infiltration.  the rest is up to your blessing or choice for otherwise.  i'm learning about how to do this little by little.

White

september 15, 2015

What does that mean if Christ lived for me, the most unworthy, and loved me enough to sacrifice comfort for death.  because through his death and then revival, i am here and loved and cloaked in white light even though there is blackness that was at the core.  you make me beautiful on the inside and out.  you change my world. you are the reason that i can have hope.

RUN 2015 and INIFINITE

on behalf of september 12, 2015

don't brag.  it's not about you.  it's about him.  God makes all things beautiful.  and so don't brag.  if you're going to say anything of that nature, praise God for the good blessings.  Thank God for his love.  Don't even thank him for blessing you specifically,  it'll probably be seen as arrogance.  In every way strive for humility.  He is perfect in every way and the one who runs everything behind the scenes.  Without God, I am nothing.  I fall flat.  And so, I depend on him completely.  And he is the one who deserves all credit.

Things I know

on behalf of september 13, 2015

Surely I am going to look back on this day and think it was silly to fret.  But right now, I am angry and frustrated and indignant against the wrong done to me by science labs.  I want to curse them for making me actually try.  Pure knowledge should show, but instead I find myself jumping through sh*tty hoops to please a sh*tty TA who's grading is not standardized against any other TA's.

I'm livid.

But you are my salvation.  I must apparently learn this skill of rule following and people pleasing to a T.  Dot every I.  Cross every T.

I'm angry, but I should take this as a lesson from you.  You're bestowing critical life skills upon me.  Something like that.  You'll make this beautiful. You always do.  Somehow I will not be lost and thrown into the deep end completely.  I never am.  You always catch me.  And there's always light at the end of the tunnel.

Shouting Actions

september 14, 2015

I proclaim your name proudly.  It doesn't matter how awkward, pray first.  I'm getting better at this.  Mostly where there are people.  But prayer is also for me.  Throughout the day, especially when I'm eating lunch, I ought to embrace you and take the time to praise your name for the new day that I have before me and the opportunities with which you're blessing me.

First Jew, then Gentile.  I am the later, but you still gave me a chance.  You're not ashamed of me, and so neither do I shy at mentioning or acting.  Beyond saying, acting shouts your glory.  So always do, even if it is not yet time to speak.

be strong, child.

september 11, 2015

i feel like ive been poisoned.  i'm tainted and no longer clean for you.  pleasure is one thing, but the heart and such matters are much different.  those are the only things that matter.

i lost part of myself today.  i lost sight of you and let darkness cloud my judgment.  i failed you and despite your strength i was weak.  i was too feeble of faith to resist.  i was wrong.  the only thing now is that i have to actually be strong.  i can't go back to that.  i must love you wholly and completely.  with you i dont need anything or anyone else.  be strong, child.  youre bigger and better and more powerful than anything.  temptation withers at your feet.  i can live for you and wash clean.  this is possible.

You Only

on behalf of september 10, 2015

its true.  i really only need you.  i know proof of that now.

Own It in Faith

on behalf of september 9, 2015

One of the most significant things I can do is be genuine and move my entire person towards the goals outlined.  If I really want to prepare my heart, I must not only think it internally, but even as circumstances around me change and people ask questions or other occasions pop up, I must be strong in you.  I am whole because I am in you.  And in faith, that will grow and be the truth.  Because it is.  Even when my heart tries to somehow deny it.  Love yourself because the Lord loves you too.  Honor the promise you're making.  Not only to yourself, but to the Lord Your God.  Own it.

Apart there is no future

september 8, 2015
(swapped verses between sept 7 and sept 8)

He has never given up on me and is a source of constant love even in times when everyone else, me included, falters ridiculously.  He loves with a kind heart and is both gracious and merciful.  I dont deserve you.  The best I can do is to give my all now.  Every time I turn around I feel like I'm being distracted from you.  From a straight path to you.  You're my first and for now I must learn to love ever more fervently because that's the only way to the future.  Apart from you there is no future.

Delivered from the Cycle

september 7, 2015

you would deliver me from evil and in loving you I hate evil and you shield me from it.

you bring me joy and fill my world with light even when it seems so dark.

the darkness that I've seen, it's been but a glimpse, but even so, I know your power because through the small things, great power is revealed. it's a testament to what is to come.  you will always be there for me and there is nothing that is insurmountable.

somehow I believe that there is an end to this cycle and I will learn well to prepare my heart for You and for whoever is to come.

Hype

on behalf of september 6, 2015

You will fill my heart and I will be joyous, filled with your spirit and thrilled to be doing your work.  Thank you for the love in my heart that comes from you and which you make beautiful in your own time.  I love my family and the bonds of the family have been stronger than ever before.  I was skeptical and thought that would never be my home, but now that I'm away from it, I love it so much and come back to see it.  You blow my mind, and I'm so excited to see what is to come in this next year.  So--much--hype.

Beyond Injury

september 5, 2015

don't be vengeful against others in this lifetime.  it is not their fault.  in all honesty, they likely know not what they do.  it's not them.  there is something else at work.  but i know you and i can be helped beyond the injury that they've caused me.  so i should allow myself to be beyond it because i can.  i should live for you fully and without restraint.  i am yours.

A Burdened Heart

september 4, 2015

i want to kneel before you and forget everything else.  i dont want anything else to burden my heart.  i want my heart to be light as a feather, chasing only you.  but every time i fight it, and i try not to let my thoughts wander.  and every time it works out less than perfectly.  and then i can't help my repeat the same thoughts, over and over.  they plague me like death.  i can't make them leave, yet i can't make the situation any better.  everyone says the same thing--that i should just try and maybe things will work out.  but at my core, when i attempt to make sense of it all, i tell myself you would say no.  i tell myself i think you're in the process of telling me no, not yet.  so i bow before you now, again, asking.

i don't expect to hear an answer.  but i yearn for one all the same.

take me to your heart.

To Know You

september 3, 2015

My heart i give to you.  Make me and shape me as you will.  That is what I need now more than anything.  To be closer to you and know you better.

Hold Out Your Heart

on behalf of sept 2, 2015

you're coming.  you're coming to bring your glory to all the earth and i shall not fear for my own future or for the future of the world in that way.  take comfort in the salvation that you will certainly bring.  i thought i knew how to wait patiently before.  the meaning of waiting had not even begun to fall on me though.  that was absolutely nothing.  this takes... this requires a degree of unprecedented discipline.  child, be still and hold your heart out for him.  let the Lord carry it for now.  let him take care of you and bless you and grow you in him.  let him show you who you are and how to love him and love yourself.  let him prepare your heart for himself and for another.  may the preparation be glorious.  and in that preparation, may he be exalted.

Makes Me Perfect

september 1, 2015

without holiness from the lord, no one can be near to him and draw close.  that's the best thing ever.  that real and tangible relationship with him.  he makes me perfect.  in him, everything is ok.  in that i take heart, and i have an obligation to make every move glorious to him.

Your Vessel, Inexplicably Loved

august 31, 2015

I fear nothing because you love me and keep me on track.  I adore you and seek you wholeheartedly.  My soul goes out to you.  If only I could be better for you.  You make me happy beyond measure, and you bless me even when I don't deserve it.  There is absolutely no explanation for the degree of attention which you give me except for that inexplicable love.  Your path is straight and I hope that I can follow it closely.  I want to be that young woman after your heart and love you so dearly.  I want to shine for you and I want everything about me to resonate with your glow.  Make me evermore yours and your vessel.