Pine

proverbs 13:12
pine. and pine. and pine some more. im hardly speaking of the tree kind though, nd i think you could probably guess that. i mean, after all, what fun is there in introspection of the heart regarding vegetation of the coniferous kind? vascular nature or not, it really doesnt matter. on the other hand, the sentimental kind makes all the difference.

this past year, hope deferred led to a longing of the heart where observing a surgery was concerned. and wednesdays lit me up like fireworks. but even more so than that, the anticipation of wednesdays made me palpably ache. i couldnt get wednesdays out of my mind for the life of me and it was like i was thinking about the coming week all the time and yearning for a perpetual wednesday to a semi-ridiculous degree. and to a point, i couldnt tell if i cared more about my initial objective--that so called longing of the heart--or if it was just that #mcm, a transferred obsession resulting from a lack of any other exit for similar emtion(al frustrations?), or WHAT. 

a few thursdays ago, on thursday may 29, my hope was "undeferred." dat robotic hyst. the first one. it left me happy with some anticipation of the next. but what really hit me was thursday june 12. it was like MAGIC and the fulfillment of longing was like a tree of life exploding in my brain because im so high on it that i cant stop smiling in my mind. june 12 was ten hours of essentially pure joy. #mcm #surgery4dayz #physiciansloungeAKAthebatcave i cant stop thinking about it but not in the yearning for the next chance kind of way, but more like the i want to stay in this mode for ever and just savor it kind of way. and i found my tree of life for energy and EVERYTHING.

i would imagine that this applies to a number of other situations as well. in my life right now, i would say im yearning for results for my physical form and im hoping to change who i am on the outside. but surely thatll take time... so i have to work, but also im certain that the tree of life which would arise from that, that tree would be such a glorious thing. i anticipate it eagerly. honestly, the best thing is probably that i defer that tree's transplantation into the soil as little as possible. then, it would be able mature into a bigger one faster. gah. i seriously need to figure this out. lord, may i work on a normal sleep schedule to somehow facilitate timely working such that the tree DOES make it into the ground, preferrably in the next month or so.... :3 a girl can yearn and attempt as much implmentation as possible...