Hello, Old Friend

Hello, Old Friend. It has been a long time since we last spoke. A lot has changed and I need to debrief myself. It's hard to understand exactly how that happened and what will happen next, but if I don't do this then I don't know...
I need you. I have never been the best at prayer. But I'm praying now. Things are changing and have been changing for some time now. I know that.

So here goes...

From previous conversations with him, it seems like he thinks that we are friends. But is that really the case? Does he truly believe that or has he been lying to me this entire time? It would break my heart to think the latter. It'd be shattering my truth from the last two years. But I am here to face the truth. Confessions of a candid camel after all.

When I named this blog, I did not think of exactly how accurate that assessment of myself would be.

Yup. A camel. I am exactly that. And trying to fit through that needle right now. I need a lot of help--a lot of the Lord's love, in particular--to fit through. This camel is also dirty. Stained with blood and God knows what else. But you Lord are there. You are faithful even when we are not.

I'm so so thankful for that. I would be lost without your grace and mercy. Like seriously.

I don't like what has happened though. I know I am leaving, but I hate that it has changed my relationship with him. It has placed me in a weird limbo where I just have to suffer as he talks about her ALL THE TIME. I DON'T NEED TO KNOW. (primarily because I care too much about what he thinks. UGH.)

But I am learning and my words are changing. I say, "wow that's so great for her. I'm glad that you're making it all work out." I think, "wow, get me out of here I don't want to know about it."

May the Lord build me up as I draw nearer to him. It has been a long time, but I am ready to be back and re-establish our deep and loving relationship. Because that relationship is the foundation for everything else that is pure and good.

Lots of love and apologies for my past.