Anyone who knows me would also know that I arguably have everything I could want in this world at the moment. And they would be more or less right. There is only one thing and it is a thing that money cannot buy and that sheer will cannot acquire (just my good luck, right?) It's some combination of a best friend and life partner. Going alone is tiring. Having someone on your team helps a lot, I imagine in my romanticized version of my life.
Today I'm also wrestling with who I am and what my existing friendships mean to me. There has already been one friendship that I burned this year. Maybe two. Aw shit. Three is probably more accurate.
The first, he didn't care and was constantly upset at me for circumstances I could not change. It upset me to care and always be trying to fix it. It was emotionally draining. So I burned it. We've been cordial since. Things seem better now. But, we are not friends. So....
The second, she was never a friend to begin with. It was always fake. It was always a ruse. When I finally realized it, I burned it. We are in the he discovering the friendship is lost phase. Check back in a few weeks to see how it has gone.
The third, she was fun to be around last year. We had a blast in class and I thought the year would be great. But now it's not. Apparently she want to be nosy and my second mom. That is annoying as hell. I have to live with it for about 3 months but I don't have to be friends with her.
And the reason for this pensive thought is my consideration of a friendship whose loss would break heart. I've held it dear for several years now and enjoyed its presence a great deal. I liked knowing it was there for me anytime I needed it. And in my heart I want to believe it is still there but sometimes don't infiltrates my mind. Sometimes I need reminders of what we are to each other, valued company.
Perhaps that will stave off the darkness of despair for another day.
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