Ultimate Faith

may 8, 2015

it's like the answer to a long lost prayer that i thought i had yet to hear the answer of.  this is.... so heartening.  its 2:12 am and i've been.... focusing for the last hour or so.  but today has not been quite like i would have wanted, per say.  but i like chose something much more valuable.  i think i found like something real.  no matter what kind of fate wrecks me in the future, it seems that i can ultimately be sure of this--i know friends who are like actually there and like feel in a lot of the same ways and experience in a lot of the same ways.  it's a poignant thing to realize.

i don't know or think if that is the answer.  i like highly doubt that as the answer to that particular question, (of 他。男好像＝>>但是 現在我就知道誰是真的。誰是我的朋友。)  there's this new reality and i think that in everything i have always been able to count on this.  that kind of certainty is beautiful.  the people you place in my life, God.

and over the course of this day i've come to realize more fully that i can't cover up my pain with sleep over television or other crap.  i have to work through the pain and that's the only thing that could even potentially destroy the pain.  make it dissipate.

i know that you love me, lord.  ask and you will know, seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened to you.  i ask for wisdom.  for peace of mind.  all the anxiety of AP season that i evaded for most of the year has suddenly thrust itself upon me in a suffocating burst.  but you are greater than it.  you will make it ok.  whatever that may mean.  i have to be able to live with your love regardless.  i have to be able to recognize value in myself and life in spite of trials.

and ultimately, i have to trust.

right now, looking in, i think i can do it.  i trust.  i believe.  it REALLY WILL COME TO A BEAUTIFUL END.