Drowning

on behalf of may 4, 2015

 God you're the only one who has anything worthy or worthwhile.  without you i am nothing.  i'm drowning.  i always said that just will was needed to straighten things out but i couldn't have been more horribly wrong.  i'm so lost without you.  i dont know what im doing and i feel like i'm in a horrible pit where i cannot fix my situation.  a lot of failure threatens to overthrow me and topple this ship.  there's a lot at stake and a lot that can be lost.  i could... plunge into the depths and be lost forever.  i could never see the light of day in a hospital again.  that would be death to any glory to your name for me.  but selfishly, that would be the death of my dream.  but my dream doesn't matter....you matter.  your path and love matters.  what if it all ended here for me.

lord, i need to go back to you in whatever way that may be. i need to know you.  and lean on your understanding.  not my own.  because i am insufficient.  this will continue to plague me as long as i look to my own strength because i have none.  i am but a weak one in the shadow of your greatness.  but you can make things beautiful and straight and save me from this.

honestly, before now i have never been quite so terribly lost.  this is a whole new level of despair.  i'm trying to reach out my hand and sink the openings of the devil.  the tv goes away.  it won't help.  it won't do anything beneficial.  i will continue drowning if i try to cover my pain with tv.  it's like garbage that tries to cover the groans but can't.  i only need you and your love and focus.  i used to be in you.  i did everything through you.  it wasn't me.  none of the success was mine.  it wasn't my work.  it was yours.  i can't take any credit.  i'm absolutely nothing.  recognizing that and coming back to you.  it has to be the saving grace of my life.  my salvation.  what i might possibly receive though i deserve none of it at all.  and maybe your mercy will spare me death.  i've gotten so terribly lost.